When I look over the history of my life I tend to divide my history into two parts; my feminist days from birth to mid 20s and then my pro-patriarchy identity from mid 20s up to today. My feminist days is when I was still culturally assimilated and then there was the rupture or the break where I turned against my feminist identity choosing patriarchy instead as the better way.
It might be a bit odd to characterize myself as a feminist from birth but effectively that’s how things were set up. My home environment being feminist; my mother being dominant over my father; and the wider cultural messages being feminist right from the beginning, right from birth. I can remember some blatantly pro-feminist propaganda being directed at me as early as 7 or 8 years old. I remember a poster at school at a very early age where a boy baby and a girl baby were looking inside at their diapers in front of each other, one with boy parts and the other with girl parts, and the message of the poster was “Why does it matter, so what, one has boy parts and the other has girl parts but they are both the same.” I remember thinking to myself, “Yes, there should be no real difference between boys and girls, they should be treated the same and thought of similarly. That only makes sense.” This being my 7 year old mind’s reaction to this poster I saw in school. Presumably such approval of the poster’s message was expected of me and the teacher might frown or show disapproval if I showed any “sexist” reaction to the poster and if the teacher disapproved of me that would have meant I was in the wrong, that I was bad.
I also remember the book Free to Be You and Me as a young child that had explicit feminist messages in it about how it is all right for men to cry, how women naturally often seek typically male careers and ambitions and how this is OK. There was even a section of the book talking about divorce and how divorce is an ordinary part of life trying to make children feel OK about their parents’ potential divorce with some scenarios and advice being offered about how a child can adjust to their parents’ divorce and make things OK and normal and relatively comfortable in their lives after their parents’ divorce. I remember that part of the book scared me; the idea of my parents maybe divorcing scared me. The overall message of the book however was an uplifting message complete with a happy song, that we should all be “Free to Be You and Me.”
Then, of course, puberty came and girls became a big thing for me starting in 7th grade at age 12. I was quite shy, didn’t have many friends anyways, and was in general scared of the girls not knowing how to react to the very strong feelings that the girls inspired within me. I actually didn’t make any real efforts at getting a “girlfriend” until age 17 so age 17 until my conversion to patriarchy was my period of failure with women based on my misplaced loyalty to the feminist ideology that had been programmed into me since birth.
The interesting thing looking back at that time from age 17 to my conversion to patriarchy is that I would have done anything to get the particular women I liked during that time to like me back and be my “girlfriend” but there was a kind of invisible shield of apprehension and distancing where I was never allowed to get “too close” and I didn’t really understand why, what the problem was. After high school was over things got worse for me romantically. I no longer had the advantage of women being all around me just by virtue of going to my classes, I actually had to take initiative to try to get a woman interested in me. I was able to get a few sparks of interest from women after high school but the “relationship” I was seeking always fizzled very quickly. Shortly before my conversion to patriarchy I actually started to get some brains on how to approach women more seriously and more effectively, learning a few things about “game” and showing confidence and such. I also read some books about how relationships work and thought more in detail about what it was exactly that I had to offer a woman in a potential relationship.
The trigger for my conversion to patriarchy was actually based on an episode of my having very strong romantic feelings towards a woman I was having some success with romantically which created inside of me a very strong desire to take care of her and give her a good life and have a happy family with her and all that kind of idealistic stuff. I then started to think about these gut level feelings I was having and realized that their concrete expression if brought into real life would indeed be the 1950s style family with me as the breadwinner and the wife staying home full time to take care of the kids. This was a huge revelation to me as it showed me that at the instinctual level what I really wanted was to “take care of” and “give a good life to” the woman that I loved and that in real life this was done by financial support, through me being the breadwinner and her not having to work and instead focusing on the kids.
So everything was great and blissful with my new discovery until, until I started to realize that the feminists would be opposed to my dream of me having a traditional family and that it would be hard for me to find a woman who didn’t want to work during her marriage with me. This is when my anti-feminism began in earnest. Very quickly my belief in patriarchy was no longer really about getting a woman at all and it was instead a kind of Holy Crusade to destroy feminism. Feminism was the great enemy lurking behind every bush and poisoning the minds of all the women around me and endlessly trying to threaten me and bully me to try to get me to become evil like them.
It is funny, why was it that I never experienced the fantasy of “taking care of” a woman until my mid-20s? I had definitely fallen in love before that time multiple times and I do remember feeling strongly protective towards women I was attracted to occasionally and seeking to be “controlling” at times and I did give women gifts a few times but it wasn’t until the point of my conversion to patriarchy that I actually had a full blown fantasy of “taking care of” a woman financially 100% like how the traditional family model worked. Looking back I am sure this was because I somehow knew or felt that it was “forbidden” and “shameful” for me to actually fantasize about and idealize taking care of a woman. That the very thought of “taking care of a woman” was repulsive and disgusting according to the feminist cultural messages that had been drummed into me my whole life. I think by the time I had reached my mid-20s I just didn’t really care anymore about the stigma I would face in wanting to “take care of a woman” because I was already being rejected by women anyways so it wasn’t like my situation would get any worse by trying something new.
So, I felt the forbidden feeling of wanting to take care of a woman and I had the forbidden thought that taking care of a woman was actually a morally good thing to do; that being the end of my time as a feminist man.
In my feminist days I found I could never get close to a woman. The woman would be apprehensive and nervous even if she really did like me at some level or I found that maybe the first interaction or two was positive but I had no ability to follow through and actually “impress” in any kind of sustainable way. I didn’t really know at the time quite what was wrong but after awhile I realized the problem was that I was too weak. I was too timid, too self-conscious and nervous, too shy. I had great difficulty making the first move and a harder time making the second move and third move to show a sustained interest. More fundamentally than that I had no drive, no real sense of purpose with the woman, only really thought of love and sex for myself as my goal and my reward, wasn’t really making any kind of money, and just in general was not able to project value regarding what I had to offer or what I could give her as a man. I was too weak, I was entirely too weak.
When I was a feminist man women rejected me because I was too weak. The thing is I was too weak because I was a feminist man; it was my feminist beliefs that made me weak because it was the feminist message that told me I should be weak and that it was good for me to be weak and even more so that an attempt to make myself strong as a man was very very bad and sexist and oppressive to women and just was bad bad bad.
When I was a feminist man I would have done anything for the woman to try to please her or win her over. More so I strongly felt that women’s rejection of me at this time was a signal that there was something wrong with me or something deficient in me and I very much wanted to give to women whatever it was that they wanted from me but that I wasn’t giving to them or couldn’t give to them. I took women’s rejection of me at face value; that the problem was definitely me and not them. The woman was perfect, the woman was beautiful, the woman was presumed to be a competent judge of her own self-interest and what she wanted and needed from a man and I didn’t measure up so there was something in me or about me that I needed to change and improve so that I would be able to meet her standards. That is how I viewed the situation at that time during my feminist days.
After awhile my skills regarding women did improve leading to the flashpoint of my falling in love accompanied by the “taking care of the woman” fantasy which then led me to understand that being the breadwinner and supporting the woman was what I lacked before and why women rejected me in my earlier feminist state.
The lesson I drew was that when I was a feminist man women rejected me because I was a feminist man, that it was my feminism that repulsed women because it was my feminism that made me weak and led me to have nothing to offer women. Furthermore my feminism was morally wrong as it was morally wrong for me to not offer to women what the women needed from me and wanted from me. Patriarchy was morally right because it provided to women a good life and provided to children a good home to grow up in but feminism was morally wrong.
What happened next was that women rejected me because I was now pro-patriarchy and therefore “sexist” and an “oppressor” and things like that but after my conversion to patriarchy I experienced this rejection in a totally different way. After my conversion to patriarchy I experienced women’s rejection of me as proof of my heroism and good moral character and that I was standing up for what was right and that the feminist women were wrong. The feminist women were wrong because they wanted me to return to the man I was before who was rejected and hated by women for my weakness and who was immoral and selfish because I wasn’t giving to women what women needed from me and deserved from me as a man. I responded to women rejecting me romantically by turning my mind towards politics and the great crusade against feminism thinking if I couldn’t serve women through a personal relationship with a woman I could serve women through the political means of making the culture overall more friendly and supportive of women’s needs by making the culture overall patriarchal instead of feminist.
High School was when I loved women the most, that was when I was still part of the “community” in a certain way and when I was surrounded by women many of whom I was attracted to and some of whom were attracted to me. When I advocate for patriarchy today I feel like I am doing my duty to the women I loved in high school who were good women deserving of my love and especially deserving of my support; women I failed because of my shameful indifference to them due to my feminism.