The origin of how I view women today comes from how I viewed women in high school. High School (in the late 1980s) was the starting point or the foundation for how I felt and thought about “womanhood” and the meaning and nature of being a woman. True puberty for me started in 7th grade so there were 2 years (7th and 8th grade) preceding high school where I had significant feelings for and interactions with women but by the time I started to put together a narrative of what being a woman was all about middle school (7th and 8th grade) was a distant memory while high school (9th grade to 12th grade) was still the recent past with my memories of the specific women who were important to me in high school still being fresh. Also I only “chased after” women towards the end of 11th grade and the beginning of 12th grade, my experience with women during that time being particularly important developmentally speaking.
Women were different from men very definitely. They were pretty, they were nice. They were kind and soft and gentle. They were concerned about me and interested in me. They were fun loving and giggly. They were good friends with each other (with other women). The guys also had their good and admirable qualities, don’t get me wrong, but I was mostly interested in the women in high school for obvious reasons. Also my attention was focused on the women I was attracted to; the more strongly attracted to the woman I was the more closely I would “keep an eye” on her and “notice” her. The women I weren’t attracted to were basically outside of my consciousness and ignored so only the women who had an aura of “attraction” around them constituted my perceptions and feelings of what a “woman” was.
At the same time women were definitely “different” in a positive way women were also “equal” or at least they should be equal or treated as equal or presumed to be equal. Women had different personalities and were caring and mother like but I viewed women as being “basically the same” as men. They had characteristics that made them attractive to men physically and emotionally and personality wise but otherwise they were the same as men or functionally equivalent to men or should at least be viewed and treated as such. Also there was the feeling and assumption that women were better suited to children than men and cared for children more and were better with children and wanted children more. That the “caring” side of women not only appealed to men but prepared women to be good mothers as well.
One of the most interesting elements of high school to me was that it was the time before feminism. Feminism was invisible to me in high school. The way I viewed women was not “feminist brainwashing,” instead it was just good ethics and the “truth” regarding women’s natural abilities and inclinations. Feminism was not an issue of controversy and really was never talked about or thought about at all. Women were not “feminists” in high school, they were just women. Wonderful women that were so beautiful that I loved so much. They were just human beings of the female persuasion like I was just a human being of the male persuasion. I was accepted as a man by women and I accepted women as women, just for what they were and for who they were as women and as individual human beings. This humanitarian spirit where I loved women as women pure and simple just as human beings is probably what appeals to me most in my memory of my high school days; that my view of women in high school was not yet corrupted by the dark shadow of feminism.
Of course it is not enough to just admire and think good thoughts about women from afar. At some point I have to “get close” to women and try to actually get a woman to like me and form an actual real relationship with a woman. This is where things got a bit more difficult. I had partial success I would say in high school but not real success. There was always a barrier I couldn’t overcome or get through. I was not “good enough.” I did not have enough to offer. I could not compete with my competition.
My rejection by women in high school was the beginning of me wanting to “improve myself” and to try to figure out a way I could actually be of value in a woman’s life. I loved women plenty, I could definitely give my love to a woman and be nice to her and be concerned about her and care about her and stuff like that but that wasn’t enough. I had to have something “more” that I could offer, what this “more” was exactly was not so easy for me to figure out and was even harder for me to actually develop and possess. Still I had to be more and possess more and give more somehow.
Being rejected by the woman I was primarily interested in in high school gave me a greater respect for women and for her needs and her legitimate interests as a woman in particular. Being rejected by her instilled in me a greater sense of duty and commitment to her and towards women overall. I failed her, I didn’t have enough to offer her, I didn’t love her enough in the concrete ways I should have loved her. I was too focused on myself and not enough focused on her well being as a woman.
After high school ended I had a series of very short “relationships” where my ability to connect to the woman and get close to the woman was even weaker than what I was able to achieve in high school. The “barrier” was always there and something I couldn’t break through. I was persistently too weak to make any kind of progress with a woman who maybe showed some initial positive interest in me.
Finally I started to gain some skills and ability to “make a good impression” on a woman and suddenly it hit me how I could gain the strength I needed with women and how I could offer something truly valuable and honorable and good to a woman; that is I could be the breadwinner. I could be the 1950s man who “brought home the bacon” to his wife who stayed home and looked after the children. I could go the patriarchy route and leave the debilitating poison of feminism behind.
After I converted to patriarchy in my mid-20s and saw myself as the breadwinner and that my future wife SHOULD stay at home with the kids while I took care of her, then feminism became a big deal. Then I started to see all women or almost all women at least as “feminists” and then I felt myself to be in a kind of battle against women where I would be pressuring them to be “traditional” and expecting them to always be fighting against me or potentially fighting against me or threatening to be fighting against me trying to push their “feminist agenda” of what they wanted to be doing.
In high school I never viewed myself as being “dominant,” the thought would have turned my stomach I am sure. I would have thought of such an “assertion of power” as being cruel and a betrayal of the woman I loved and wanted to be in a relationship with and I would have assumed such a power assertion would have been a great threat and a great turn off to the woman likely leading me to be promptly dumped which would have been a big disaster for me. In high school moreover I really had no sense and no idea of what my purpose with women was in the first place. I knew I loved women and wanted to have sex with women but that was about it, I didn’t connect my feelings towards women with any kind of responsibility or duty towards women. Nobody in my life; neither my family nor anyone at school nor any messages from the wider culture; ever taught me how to be a man. Nobody gave me the slightest clue how to treat women or what my role in relation to women was or that I had any kind of duties towards women whatsoever. On the contrary I received negative messages about masculinity meant to undermine me and weaken me and attack any positive protective or assertive impulses I had within myself towards women.
After my conversion to patriarchy I saw the culture as being bad and feminism as being bad and feminist behaviors and attitudes being bad within a relationship context and I saw basically all women as being feminists but I never saw “women” as being bad. My image of “womanhood” and what it meant to be a woman and my sense of what I owed women and what my duty to women was was fixed on the image I had of women that had developed during my high school days and what I owed to women in principle or as a class became what I owed to the woman I loved the most in high school who rightfully rejected me because I wasn’t able to give her what I owed to her.
My image of “true womanhood” is something I constructed after my conversion to patriarchy where I used the generalized positive regard I felt towards women in high school and combined that with the sense of duty and obligation towards women that was part of my conversion to patriarchy so that love of women was combined with duty towards women in my mind. I then imagined myself to be “doing my duty” on behalf of the women I loved in high school through means of “treating right” whatever women I would meet in the future and by promoting “treating women right” to the culture at large. In this way I would repent for or make up for me not honoring my duties and obligations towards the women I loved in high school while I was in high school.
In my mind the “true nature” of a woman is who women were emotionally and spiritually in high school before my awareness of feminism had developed. This “true woman” needs me and loves me and most of all wants me to take care of her and to support her and protect her, to be a “real man” for her. This is the man I want to be and what I owe at a fundamental level to all women as all women are “true women” at their core, at the root of their being.
My sense of duty and commitment to the well being of women increased markedly after my conversion to patriarchy; after my conversion to patriarchy duty to women became a kind of crusade for me. At the same time my sense of conflict against women and against the culture in general increased markedly after my conversion to patriarchy. Perversely I am attacked and hated by women precisely when I choose to care for women more deeply and more idealistically with my focus being their well being rather than my own selfishly oriented emotional needs. This is because under feminism the locus of control is the woman herself and I am acting in a way subservient to what the woman herself tells me to do. Under patriarchy however the locus of control is God acting through men where the woman herself is no longer in charge; instead it is those acting on behalf of the woman (men) who are in charge.
In my feminist days, yes I admit it, I saw the woman as the authority regarding whether I was a good man or not or whether I was “treating her right” or not. Her approval of me indicated that I was succeeding while her disapproval of me indicated that I was failing and therefore “doing something wrong.” After my conversion to patriarchy it was no longer about whether the woman approved of me or not that told me whether I was good or bad; it was instead whether or not I was obeying God and acting according to objective moral standards and rules that mattered. Indeed after my conversion to patriarchy the goal itself had changed; the primary mission was no longer to “get a woman” but was instead to serve women and do my duty on behalf of women in a way pleasing to God and in service to God whether the woman or women in question liked it or not.
So I am hated by feminist women precisely because I love women and am in service to women idealistically. Since the great majority of women are feminist I am therefore hated by the great majority of women. This however does not bother me because my goal is not to please feminist women; my goal is to please God and to serve women’s objective needs and interests. Regardless of how much feminist women rant and rave against me however my love for women will remain intact because I know the true nature of women is not feminist. I experienced what the true nature of women is really like in high school so I know from first hand experience that woman at her core is not feminist.