For me today patriarchy means the love of women, my duty to God, and the great heroic quest. Of course it wasn’t always this way. First I was a child with no particular thoughts about the wider world; what mattered to me was my family relationships and my relations with my teachers and the other students at school. I do remember being particularly interested in the news, stories from around the world as shown to me during class time, at age 10 in 5th grade. I remember the other students seemed to look around the room as if they were bored but I was riveted by what I saw on TV regarding the dramas and conflicts taking place in far off lands. I was a “teacher’s pet” in grade school up to 5th grade so oddly enough I was very popular in the classroom where the teacher controlled the social hierarchy among the students. On the playground however just among us kids I had a hard time making friends or entering into the different games I could play. My social status dropped dramatically in 6th grade when the “home room” was no longer so important and I went from one class to another for all the different subjects. Once the teachers were no longer in control of the social hierarchy my status dropped significantly.
At age 12 major fights started with my mom. Power struggles basically. My mom wanted me to “obey” her and I saw no reason why I should. I didn’t see any higher purpose or ideals my mom was aiming for when she “ordered” me to do something or “disciplined” me; I just saw her as power mongering and egotistical. Strangely I felt much more comfortable in obeying my dad and generally thought he was fair and reasonable both in his demands on me and in his discipline. My dad’s efforts to get me to “obey” him and his follow-up discipline never enraged me or led me to resent him or hold a grudge against him or anything like that. With my mom however the power struggle was intense and unrelenting. Unfortunately since my mom was the “boss” in the family it was my mother who was the one “telling me what to do” the great majority of the time.
At age 13 the fights with my mother ended as I decided “obeying her” was the best strategy to put an end to the constant fighting with her. However this also meant the end of my relationship with my mother at any kind of serious emotional level as there was no way I could both obey my mother and feel close to her at the same time. I was going to protect my identity from my mother’s interference so that my outward obedience to her didn’t mean anything to me internally or emotionally. It was just manipulation as I saw it; a practical way to avoid conflict and nothing more.
Age 13 is also when I became “radical.” It is when I sought identity and a sense of purpose based on conflict against the world around me, based on conflict against “the system” as it were. The outer social environment based on home and based on school was not able to provide me with any sense of purpose or identity. It was as if the world was a great empty void. I greatly admired Martin Luther King (the 1960s civil rights leader) and worshipped him as a kind of hero and saw him as someone I’d like to emulate in some way. A great hero who changed the world. In terms of ordinary attachments with the people around me however; I didn’t get any sense of “belonging” or having any kind of purpose or value by socially integrating myself to be like others or to pursue ordinary goals or interests. I instead got my sense of purpose from “heroic struggle” in an effort to “change the world” where the “status quo” was the enemy. At this time, I’m talking age 13 here, I wasn’t thinking about feminism or gender politics or anything; my “radicalism” was focused on economic issues.
From age 13 to age 17 I actually consciously rejected all attempts at forming relationships with women on principle. I figured that falling in love or being in a “relationship” was bad as it would distort my perceptions of the world and distract me from my great heroic “radical” mission. My radical identity however broke down at age 17; I lost my belief in the radical positions I previously held; and this led me to accept pursuing women romantically as a morally acceptable thing to do. In truth my “rule” that I was “not allowed to fall in love” didn’t really work in practice. I definitely was attracted to women and fell in love but I did so from afar and did not “pursue” any woman. I could restrict my behavior but I couldn’t restrict my feelings so I loved women but just didn’t do anything about it.
Age 17 is when I first started to develop a romantic identity and romantic sense of purpose. I finally pursued romantically openly the woman I had loved the most during my time of self-imposed rejection of all women. Through my pursuit of this woman I formed a new identity for myself as someone who loved women; this being my central identity at that time. It was a very primitive identity but it was the starting point of my love for women as something that had moral value in its own right, as something that gave me moral value and a sense of identity and purpose, that it was something that made me a “good person.”
From age 17 to mid-20s then I had for myself a romantic identity and I actively pursued women but I also had various other identities and “causes” that I was interested in. My romantic identity was not my central identity until my conversion to patriarchy where my romantic political identity became merged with my romantic personal identity; when patriarchy became both a heroic crusade to save the world and also my strategy for bringing a woman into my life.
There is the question however, how did I go from being a feminist like everyone else to becoming a pro-patriarchy radical and crusader? Some have questioned whether I was “truly a feminist” like I claimed to be in the first place. This is an interesting thing to think about. I converted to patriarchy very quickly and easily after having developed myself moderately in terms of my romantic abilities. At age 17 during my senior year in high school during the time I was just initiating my romantic identity by pursuing my main romantic interest in high school I really had no gender politics identity at all. I simply knew I loved that woman with all my heart and I wanted her to know that. My goal and identity was very basic; I loved her and I wanted her to know that I loved her. That was it; that was all that mattered and that was all I understood at that time.
After high school, immediately after high school, I started to form a real gender identity and I started to form opinions regarding the gender politics issue. I actually went in a feminist gender bending direction as my first impulse. I saw myself as a “sensitive man” interested in things stereotypically female and I tended to identify with the feminist camp politically. Looking back this is rather strange to me but it is true. Trying to explain this starting bias I had towards being “feminine” and feminist, more ideologically and politically feminist than most at that time, I think the reason was because I was weak and passive and a bit on the manipulative side trying to appear to women as something that I wasn’t; pretending to be “sensitive” as a kind of ploy to be accepted by the women around me socially at that time. I wasn’t really “sensitive,” I was more awkward afraid of being assertive and wanting to appear “nice” and not threatening.
After a couple of years of drifting in this gender bending feminist direction a kind of transition took place where I started to become more conservative politically and socially. I started to listen to the Rush Limbaugh show and think of myself as being a “conservative.” I think this transition in a conservative direction came because I was starting to get disgusted with myself; disgusted with my passivity and weakness. I wanted to give myself some drive and ambition and to identify with “success” and “self-reliance” and I wanted to identify with people who seemed to be more functional and successful in their lives. I think the other part of the transition was me feeling ashamed of my emotional distance from women. When imaging a relationship with a woman at the tail end of my period of becoming more liberal and gender bending and feminist I started to become aware that from the woman’s point of view I didn’t have much to offer, I didn’t really see myself as being involved in the woman’s life very much or wanting to support her very much. I was disturbed by the fact that in my vision of myself in a relationship with a woman I was really on the sidelines not wanting to be involved and not wanting to be responsible for much. I had a feeling this was wrong, that there was something “wrong with me” with my inclination to “not get too close” and that at the core I really didn’t love women very much or care about women very much deep down.
During my time being a “sensitive man” I did get approval from women that I was a “good guy” and that I was “one of them” in terms of being accepted in their social group but I only got a few flickers of actual romantic approval or actual romantic interest. My level of social acceptance was significantly and noticeably higher than the level of romantic acceptance or romantic interest directed my way. There was something wrong with that in my mind; girls’ weak romantic interest in me was telling me there was something wrong with what I was doing or something wrong with the person I was trying to be.
There was also the memory of the girl from high school. I suspected the reason why she rejected me was because I was too weak; that I didn’t have enough to offer her. Now here I was a few years later and I was continuing to not do well with women. Worse I was starting to realize that I wasn’t even trying to be of value to women, that I was strangely indifferent to women and stingy with women in a way; that I was “looking out for number one” and thinking that was good enough. I was feeling that I was betraying the woman from high school that I loved the most, that she would be ashamed of me if she saw me in that state and rightfully so. If a woman like her came around again I wouldn’t want to lose her again because of my inability to care about her enough.
So after a couple of years drifting towards gender bending and a self-conscious feminist identity I started to feel like there was something “wrong with me.” I wanted a stronger drive and sense of ambition, I wanted to identify with more successful more high functioning people, I wanted to care about women more and have more to offer women, I wanted to get out of the rut and aimless wandering I had slid into. This is what led me to shift gears and start to become more conservative, listening to the Rush Limbaugh show being a major vehicle for developing my political and cultural orientation in a conservative direction.
It was about 2 years from the time I first shifted in a conservative direction until my conversion to patriarchy episode. There was about a 6 month period before my conversion to patriarchy where I started to turn significantly anti-feminist during which time I started to notice and think about the exploding problem of out-of-wedlock births and what that meant, I was starting to become suspicious about the morality of women putting their children in day care as they went off to work, and I was hearing about some of the crazy rape hysteria that was being promoted by more radical feminists on college campuses that made me think there was something wrong with the social environment feminism had created. I’m talking about the time around 1995 here when concerns about family breakdown were being talked about a lot on the conservative side.
At a more fundamental level it must be said that I was probably proto-patriarchal in my style of thinking all the way back to the beginning; as far back as age 17 and even as far back as age 13. What I mean by this is that I had an orientation towards absolute truth or objective truth right from the beginning and I also had a fundamental mistrust of majority opinion and the status quo. As early as age 13 I was no longer socially integrated with others in terms of thinking like they thought or being invested with “fitting in.” My identity was based on conflict against the world around me as early as age 13 because the status quo that was imposed upon me in terms of my family situation and in terms of my school environment and in terms of whatever I picked up from the wider culture; this status quo had nothing to offer me and was hostile against me. It was not possible for me to create any sense of moral value or moral purpose for my life based on what was told to me or what was given to me by my environment.
What strikes me most about my thinking at age 17 regarding the romantic realm was that my beliefs were totally feminist but that my way of thinking was not feminist at all. My style of thinking was religious fundamentalist or proto-patriarchal even though the content of what I believed was 100% feminist. I believed in objective reality and objective truth and definitely saw myself as “serving the good” which is equivalent to “obeying God” in religious language terms. Most of all even at age 17 the idea that truth or morality is simply what a woman wants or what a woman demands would have seemed completely absurd to me. Feminism seems to have this very perverted idea that women are entitled to get what they want simply because they want it. This idea of women choosing to be a stay-at-home mother or not according to whatever the woman’s preference is is a perfect example of this kind of thinking. It is completely illogical to think the morality of a woman being a stay-at-home mother is dependent upon whether or not the woman desires to be a stay-at-home mother. Even at age 17 I would never have believed something so absurd.
My belief in feminism collapsed immediately after I started to think about and encountered actual evidence regarding how feminism worked in real life as it related to my own personal experiences and after studying up on the history of various social statistics which show nothing but huge increases in various pathological indicators after feminism got started especially after 1960. My belief in feminism shattered immediately after being challenged by reality even though I had been programmed to believe in feminism my whole life since birth. I believed in feminism intellectually based on an endless stream of lies I had been told my whole life by everyone around me with me never questioning or even thinking about the issue in a serious skeptical way but after only a very short time of investigating the issue and thinking about the issue critically I found that feminism really made no sense at all and was obviously blatantly disastrous in terms of what it means in real life. My belief in feminism proved to be a mile wide and an inch thick.
After I finally escaped the insanity of feminism it was then time to build a new identity and develop a view of gender relations that actually works. This process of building a new identity that actually works especially in the hostile feminist climate that is today’s reality took a long long time. Escaping from feminism was the easy part for me; building the new patriarchal future is the part that is hard and took a lot of time for me and will take a lot of time for the culture as a whole. I am hoping that this website will help those a generation younger than me to learn a functional view of gender relations a lot easier and a lot quicker than what I was able to do on my own by myself.
Patriarchy is my salvation in a spiritual and moral sense. It is how I express my love for women and it is how I serve God. It is my great heroic mission. I was right to rebel against the “status quo” at age 13 as clearly “something was wrong” in my environment at that time. I however did not understand that feminism was the root cause of the moral void I had been thrown into. Not until I was a young adult (in my mid 20s) was I able to see things in broader perspective and to understand that it was the social system and family system that was “messed up” specifically due to feminism. Things worked good in the patriarchal era; particularly during the time of coverture before 1850. The social statistics prove it. During the primary era of feminist induced social deterioration from 1870 to 1995 the pathologies of divorce, out-of-wedlock births, and married women working (in the white population in the United States) all increased about 20 fold. All of these pathological family behaviors went from being virtually non-existent to being practically the norm as a result of feminism. Fortunately I was able to see that feminism was the root cause of the problems around me and in my own life in particular at an early enough age to be able to “do something about it” and make my contribution to restoring society to its proper foundations based on patriarchy; the social system based on men taking care of women where male authority comes first and women’s interests as defined by men come first all under obedience to God. Patriarchy is service to children through service to women based on obedience to the Superior Power or God by means of male authority and I am proud as a man to do my part in bringing patriarchy back; it is my central identity and purpose as a man.