In order to get a woman you need to earn a woman, you have to live up to the performance standard the woman has set regarding what she requires in a man. The same is also true in reverse of course, that a woman must earn a man to get a man just like a man must earn a woman to get a woman. However the form of performance a woman needs to achieve is different from the form of performance a man needs to achieve. What it means to “perform” is different for men and women. A man needs to show that he is good in masculine qualities and masculine abilities while the woman needs to show that she is good in feminine qualities and feminine abilities. In short the man has to be good at being a man while the woman needs to be good at being a woman.
I would put “performance” into 3 different categories; attractiveness, moral character, and competence. Attractiveness is your ability to create romantic feelings and romantic desires in members of the opposite. Attractiveness is your ability to get individuals of the opposite sex to “fall in love” with you. Moral character is your intentions; are you considerate of the other person and truly want to help and serve the other person or are you manipulative and self-serving and selfishly oriented and possibly downright abusive. Competence is your ability to meet the other person’s needs and fulfill your role as a man or a woman. Are you capable of fulfilling your obligations to the other and giving to the other person what they need and have a right to in the context of their relationship with you? In order to be a good and desirable partner you need to perform well or at least adequately in all 3 of the different fields of performance.
Being with a romantic partner that you are not attracted to is no good regardless of how high their moral character and competence is. A woman may be a good woman and a capable woman but if she doesn’t stir passion and love in you it is no good. Being with a romantic partner who you are very attracted to and who has great abilities and strengths but who is mean and selfish and abusive to you is no good. Finally being with someone whom you love and who has a good heart and tries to do their best to meet your needs but who is unable to give to you what you need to function and be happy and be supported in your role as a man or a woman is also no good. All 3 areas are vital. It is vital that your romantic partner be attractive to you, that he or she be of good moral character, and that he or she be capable of performing their function and role as a man or a woman.
It is not necessary to excel or be superior in all 3 of these categories simultaneously to be a good and desirable partner. It probably is good however to be greatly superior in one of the categories, better than average in a second category, and then average or reasonable or adequate in the third category. I do not mean that one must be above average in everything in an objective sense, I mean in the eyes of the person whom you hope to be with or marry for that person you will probably need to be greatly above average in one area, better than average in a second area, and at least adequate and OK in the third area. You are after all the preferred and most desirable person in the eyes of the person who ultimately accepts you as a spouse even if in the eyes of the opposite sex overall you are merely average. The average person in an objective sense being greatly loved and greatly desired and greatly admired by the person they end up marrying.
The 3 areas of performance; attractiveness, moral character, and competence; are common to both men and women. Masculinity and things associated with masculinity however are the overall theme of what these 3 areas of performance mean for a man and likewise femininity and things associated with femininity are the overall theme of performance for the woman.
Men’s and Women’s Desirability as Romantic Partners
|Men’s Performance||Women’s Performance|
|Attractiveness||being confident and assertive, showing ambition||being kind and gentle and submissive; playful and cheerful|
|Moral Character||idealistic in his use of power, oriented towards practical service and support||kind and not mean, not manipulative or dishonest|
|Competence||makes good money, able to impose dominance in a comfortable reassuring way||knowing when to submit to positive male dominance and when to assert against negative male dominance, sensitivity to others’ feelings|
A man is attractive as a man when he shows masculine characteristics; being confident, being assertive and dominant, being cool headed and showing good judgment, showing ambition, being willing to take risks. A woman on the other hand is attractive when she displays feminine characteristics; being kind and gentle, being demure and submissive, showing admiration or fawning, showing high social intelligence and sensitivity to others’ feelings, displaying cheerful or playful emotions. These masculine displays of the man indicate that the man is good at being a man and fulfilling the male role well. Likewise the feminine displays signal competence in the feminine role of the woman.
A man showing good moral character is showing an intention to be idealistic, to not be abusive or use his power in selfish ways, that he is oriented towards service in a practical way on behalf of the woman. A woman showing good moral character is kind and not mean, is not manipulative or dishonest, tries to give to others through emotional support and caring even when it is difficult for her or requires self-discipline on her part. The moral character of the man being oriented towards performing his role as a man well and the moral character of the woman being oriented towards her performing her role as a woman well.
A man needs to be competent in terms of good decision making and judgment, being able to create an orderly environment and set rules that bring about a harmonious peaceful atmosphere. He must make sure the system overall is working and stick to principles and abstract concepts that make things fair and predictable and that direct behavior and social interaction in a positive direction. Also let us not forget he must make money to be able to provide for the needs of the woman and the family in a concrete and material way. A woman’s competence is based on her ability to know when to assert herself and to know when to submit, to be able to judge well when she is being treated well and when she is being treated poorly, to be sensitive to others’ needs and emotional state so she can respond in an appropriate supportive way to what the other person is feeling, and she must be able to maintain a positive emotional state responsive to others. Again the man’s competence is based on whether or not he is able to perform his role as a man well and the woman’s competence is based on whether or not she is able to perform her role as a woman well.
The man must overall have high masculine performance and the woman overall must have high feminine performance. The man must excel at doing manly things with the woman excelling in womanly feminine things. This is the basis of what makes a man desirable as a man and what makes a woman desirable as a woman.
In order for a marriage to take place you have to keep in mind that the man wants the best woman possible that is available to him and that the woman wants the best man possible that is available to her and that it is the woman’s performance abilities in the feminine realm that determines how much the man wants her and that it is the man’s performance abilities in the masculine realm that determines how much the woman wants him. The man or woman you want the most is the man or woman with the highest performance levels in the areas you prioritize. Performance is what creates desire; perceived performance and desire basically being the same thing.
So a marriage is based on there being a match between the man and the woman where the man is the most highly valued man available to the woman and the woman is in return the most highly valued woman available to the man. This means you have to excel and perform well to get the woman you want, you must raise your performance abilities as high as possible to make sure you have the best chance at being able to win over the woman you want the most, the woman whom in your eyes is the best most capable performer in the feminine areas that you value the most highly.
I used to hate and fear performance standards imposed upon me by women. I used to hate to have to “jump through hoops” in order to gain a woman’s romantic approval and acceptance of me. I hated having to “perform;” to be funny and witty and self-confident and to have to know how to interact with a woman “naturally” and “spontaneously” in a way that would be pleasing to her when in reality I was very nervous and clueless and awkward. I used to think to myself simply “I love her, how come she doesn’t love me? I’m not placing any demands on her, I simply love her for who she is and I love everything about her. Why doesn’t she feel the same about me? Why is she imposing all these ‘tests’ on me that I can’t measure up to?”.
What I realize now is that first of all the women I loved the most did indeed “perform” very well in their feminine attributes and that that is exactly why I loved them the most in the first place. My favorite women did indeed have to “jump through hoops” and pass my performance tests before reaching the lofty status of my undying attention and affection towards them. The second issue is that the reason why I didn’t place any demands on the women I loved the most was because I had nothing to offer the women I loved the most and therefore I had no bargaining power with them. Additionally since I had nothing to give them I therefore had nothing to protect or guard from them thereby not needing to place any demands on them in the first place. I failed to place demands on the women I loved the most not because I was so generous and caring but instead because I had nothing to offer them and therefore nothing to protect from theft or use as a bargaining chip with them. By not imposing my own demands on the women I showed myself to have an empty hand and that I was powerless and therefore not worth their attention.
I found that my escape from this terrible situation was God; obedience to God. My duty to the Superior Power or God and in particular my duties on behalf of women that are imposed upon me by the Superior Power or God. Once I understood that I had duties on behalf of women that were part of my natural role and higher moral purpose as a man then I became capable of imposing demands upon women and more importantly I started to possess power and value as a man thereby raising my performance level in attractiveness and moral purpose and competence setting the stage for my current desirability and attractiveness as a man. There are still things I am deficient in and weak in today regarding my performance standards as a man as it relates to women in the romantic realm but through the mechanism of obedience to God and fulfilling my duties to women as imposed upon me by God I will be able to further increase my attractiveness and desirability to women going forward and increase my strength in the areas where I am weakest and most in need of improvement.
You see, the legitimate demands a woman places upon you are in reality duties that God is imposing upon you on behalf of the woman. The woman herself cannot simply declare what you owe to her but when what the woman demands of you is consistent with what God demands of you then you must accept what the woman is demanding of you and live up to those demands that she is placing upon you as well and as fully as you can. In a similar vein you to as a man have a right to place upon the woman demands that the woman live up to her responsibilities towards God on behalf of you; that she fulfill her role and duties as a woman and that she treat you and respect you in a humble and submissive manner consistent with her position as a woman.
My effort to live up to the duties and responsibilities imposed upon me by God on behalf of women is the means by which I raise my value and performance standards and therefore my attractiveness and desirability to women. Likewise the degree to which a woman is living up to the duties and obligations imposed upon her by God is my central means of judging how valuable and desirable the woman is in addition to the factor of her attractiveness which is based on how well her personality attributes reflect the natural feminine nature God has put into her.
My primary orientation is service to God and obedience to God; my attractiveness and desirability to women then being derivative of this. What I give to women and what I owe to women being based on what my natural duties towards women are; what my God imposed duties on behalf of women are.