On this Valentine’s Day I wish to offer some advice to all the men out there who like me are secular themselves and who also like me are seeking a Traditional Woman. First of all it should go without saying that you have to be a traditional man yourself in order to be worthy of a traditional woman. In other words you as a man have to live up to the standards and the duty of the traditional man first before expecting a traditional woman to take you on. A traditional woman is a special woman, a high value woman, and you need to have value to give to her before expecting success with her romantically.
Patriarchy is what is traditional. Patriarchy is what was already in place before feminism came along to disrupt things and mess everything up in relations between the sexes. In forming a traditional relationship with a woman the goal is to recreate the functionality and health of traditional patriarchy; how the family system worked traditionally, before feminism. The key characteristics of the traditional man is competent exercise of benevolent idealistic authority; authority in service to the woman and the family overall; and being the breadwinner providing all of the financial support for the family. The key characteristics of the traditional woman is obedience to competent ethical authority claimed by the man and a focus on dedication to feminine pursuits in the home and her wider social network while shunning the paid work force; paid work being a masculine pursuit not suitable for a wife. Also it should be kept in mind that traditional society was highly religious and that the patriarchal family system was based on God defined and God imposed gender roles for both the man and the woman. The role of religion was very important to how society worked and how the family was put together and understood in the past. Therefore a God centered approach is very important for making a traditional marriage work.
However I am directing my advice here to secular men who either don’t believe in God or at least are not connected to religious communities. I myself am a secular man in this way. The thing is you don’t have to believe in an established religious faith in order to gain the practical and moral benefits of the religious way of thinking where God is the organizing principle of life and obedience to God is the first principle of all morality. What is key is that you have a God concept that you can believe in and that you submit yourself to this God concept. For me God is derived from evolution; the inherited differences between men and women. These inherited differences between men and women then dictate what the natural highest functioning relationship form between men and women is; the highest functioning relationship form being patriarchy.
The important thing to understand is that a relationship simply between a man and a woman with each selfishly oriented towards their own benefit doesn’t work. You need to have mutual idealism where both the man and the woman place their own morality and sense of purpose first simply because it is the right thing to do. This is where God and obedience to God become necessary to make the relationship between the man and the woman work. With both the man and the woman placing obedience to God first then you have the mutual idealism and shared sense of purpose matched with the natural gender roles of the man and the woman all working together.
The first concern of a secular man looking for a traditional woman is where to find these women. He may even fear that there are no such women, that all women have been contaminated by feminism and therefore are unsafe to have relationships with. First of all I want to reassure the secular traditional man that there are indeed most definitely good traditional women out there looking for you and wanting you to enter into their lives romantically. The truth is there is a shortage of traditional men out there but a surplus of traditional women looking for traditional men. In other words the sex ratio of single traditional men versus single traditional women is heavily in the man’s favor. Successfully making oneself into a traditional man is an achievement and a status symbol in its own right.
It is harder for a man to be a traditional man than it is for a woman to want a traditional man and function herself as a traditional woman in this feminist cultural climate. The first reason is that a man has to achieve in order to function and be desirable as a traditional man. The traditional man has to be in a position to support and provide direction to the woman which the woman then needs to be able to follow and acquiesce to; the man playing the active role that the woman then submits to. It being more difficult for the man to be able to perform well in this active leadership role with the responsibility to financially support than it is for the woman to submit to the man and then fulfill her social and relationship roles as a woman.
The second reason why it is harder to become a traditional man than it is to be a traditional woman is because the social condemnation and vilification of the traditional man is more severe than what is directed against the traditional woman because a traditional man is a greater threat against the feminist establishment than a traditional woman is; a man rebelling against feminism being a greater threat against feminism than a woman rebelling against feminism because men are more powerful than women. A traditional man is an “oppressor” and an “abuser” and is sinisterly seeking to “impose his will” upon women according to feminist propaganda making traditionalist assertions by a man highly socially unacceptable. For a woman however wanting a traditional man makes her “lazy” or a “parasite” or suggests that she is not very smart or ambitious. Sometimes a traditional woman is even offered a kind of acceptance by feminists as long as being traditional on the woman’s part is framed as a “choice” and therefore something that the woman wants for herself based on her own selfishly oriented agenda; feminists always approving of women as long as the woman is acting selfishly and placing herself above others.
These additional challenges faced by the traditional man in becoming a traditional man means that there are fewer traditional men around than traditional women meaning that once a man succeeds in his quest to become a highly functional ethical traditional man he will have his pick of high quality traditional women to choose from because becoming a traditional man is a highly valued status achievement in its own right in the eyes of a traditional woman.
So where to find a traditional woman once you as a secular man are ready for the challenge? The first most obvious place is a conservative complementarian or patriarchal church. The highest concentration of easy to find high quality women will be found in conservative religious settings or at least at dating sites geared towards conservative religious communities. You are looking for a Godly idealistically oriented woman and her being in a social setting which teaches and encourages wifely obedience and submission will be of great help to you as a traditional man. You might object though that you do not identify as a Christian yourself and you do not feel comfortable with “God” or in situations where you are surrounded by “believers” and are expected to be a “believer” yourself. If you are willing to accept the moral values of the religious community you seek to enter into and especially if you see yourself as obeying God as you define and understand God; in other words that you accept the overall religious orientation of God first and obedience to God as your central moral duty; as long as you are “functionally religious” in this way you will not have a great problem socially integrating yourself into a conservative religious community. Also there are more atheist men combined with conservative religious women than the other way around; it being understood that women are “more religious” than men are making you as a secular but “culturally religious” man more acceptable.
Yes some conservative religious women will not accept an atheist man no matter how “Godly” that atheist man seeks to be but some good conservative religious women will accept a functionally religious man even if that man does not “truly believe” in her religion. The traditional woman is facing a shortage of good traditional men to choose from, remember. Some such women will accept or even prefer a man who will be a good man to her even while not being the same as her religiously.
Where to look for such conservative traditional religious women specifically? First of all there is the Acts 29 Network. All Acts 29 churches are complementarian churches; it being a requirement to teach the man as head of household religious principle before being accepted as part of the Acts 29 Network.
Part of the Acts 29 “distinctive theological foundations” is that:
“Both husbands and wives are responsible to God for spiritual nurture and vitality in the home, but God has given to the man primary responsibility to lead his wife and family in accordance with the servant-leadership and sacrificial love characterised by Jesus Christ. This principle of male headship should not be confused with, nor give any hint of, domineering control. Rather, it is to be the loving, tender and nurturing care of a godly man who is himself under the kind and gentle authority of Jesus Christ.”
There are around 400 Acts 29 churches in the United States dispersed throughout the nation so anyone living in the United States in a large population center probably has an Acts 29 church near them that they can join. To find an Acts 29 church near you in the United States go here.
Another way to look for a conservative complementarian or patriarchal religious setting is by looking at the more conservative smaller branches of Christianity; in particular the Mormons and Jehovah Witnesses.
“The Mormons teach a traditional family structure. Marriage is between a man and a woman, and where possible, families should have and want children. The father serves as the head of the household and earns the family income and the mother cares for the family wherever possible.”
“For a family to function well, someone has to make final decisions on matters. The Bible assigns that responsibility to the husband. But that does not entitle him to be an autocrat or a bully. Nor does it allow him to shirk his responsibilities, thus eroding his wife’s respect for him and imposing a needless burden upon her. Rather, God expects him to work hard to care for his wife and to assign her honor as his most intimate and trusted companion. (1 Timothy 5:8; 1 Peter 3:7) “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies,” says Ephesians 5:28.”
To find a Mormon or Jehovah Witness religious gathering near you go to these websites:
If however you are resistant to entering into a religious community or specifically seeking out women involved in a conservative religious faith the biggest thing approaching traditional relationships in the secular realm is what is called “Taken In Hand” or TiH relationships where the man “takes in hand” the woman. For a description of the “Taken in Hand” relationship idea I recommend this article at the Surrendered Wife blog. For “Taken in Hand” dating you can say you are interested in a “Taken in Hand” relationship in your personal ad or search for it as an “interest” or as “Keywords” in large dating sites such as Plenty of Fish or OK Cupid. There is also a lot of Domestic Discipline stuff that is somewhat related to traditional relationships.
As far as just searching for a woman independently using dating services and such I would say as a secular man looking for a traditional woman just emphasize that you want a submissive or obedient woman who wants a traditional relationship and wants to be taken care of by her man. Emphasize your willingness and eagerness to be the breadwinner, to support the woman financially, and emphasize your belief in male authority in service of the woman; the servant-leader concept. In other words just say what you are looking for in a woman openly and directly and emphasize what you have to offer the woman and your idealistic orientation of service on behalf of the woman. Also God talk I would say is a good idea in this regard even if you are not particularly religious yourself. You are an idealistic man looking for an idealistic woman. You seek to serve the woman as part of your identity of who you are as a man. You seek to serve the woman as your duty to God. Be proud of the fact that you are a traditional man; it is after all something to brag about and it is something that will be very highly valued by the type of woman you seek.
In your ad or your introduction you might mention that you are an atheist yourself or “not very religious” yourself but emphasize that you welcome conservative religious women or women with strong religious faith. If you really truly are uncomfortable with a religious woman you are cutting yourself off from the great majority of high quality trustworthy traditional women; something that seems to me to be a big mistake. Remember religion is the major source of traditional understandings of gender roles out there; traditionalism is very weak in the secular realm at this time.
Another thing. Don’t forget the women of your past. In finding the right woman for you you might not necessarily have to start totally fresh looking for someone new. Especially if you are older the best woman for you may be a woman from your past that due to tragic circumstances or bad luck or poor judgment “got away.” A woman you fell in love with in middle school or high school or college, before the age of 22, who persisted in your thoughts and longings for years after the separation or breakup might very well be a “Lost Love” for you that is very much worth revisiting if she is single (divorced or never married) at this time. After meeting her in person you might find that you love her much more than you thought you did; that your feelings for her have not faded with the passage of time and even that she is just as physically beautiful to you in your eyes as when you fell in love with her so long ago.
As far as what to watch out for. Beware of women who claim they will submit on the basis of you “giving them a good deal” or because they see submission as something that will “pay off” with you. The woman should not be submitting because you are offering her a prize for her submission, she should be submitting simply because it is part of her role as a woman to submit and because she views you as being a trustworthy man with her best interests at heart who is safe to submit to and will fulfill your obligations to her. The woman is not making a sacrifice by her submission; she is instead enabling you to serve her better by her submission. You serve her because it is your duty to serve her; you are not serving her as a “reward” for her submission. The woman’s submission to you is meant to benefit herself; it is not meant to benefit you as the man.
Lastly open yourself up to women of all races. You will be doing yourself a big favor not restricting yourself only to women of your own race. Racial attraction or romantic racial preference is not something that is inherited or genetic; it is based on your emotional comfort level with women of different races. If you feel safe and welcomed with women of another race then you will be able to feel sexually attracted to women of another race. The key is to make it “OK” to be with a woman of another race personally and romantically at the emotional level so that the woman whose race is different from your own race will “feel safe” to you. Going through the mental exercise of adapting yourself to become attracted to women of all races is well worth the effort and will make it a lot easier to find the best woman regardless of her race for you.