I am a white man and I love black women; racially mixed and “fully black” women. Black / racially mixed women have always been good to me; better to me than white women in certain ways. They have showed more romantic initiative towards me than white women; they have been more forward with me and given me romantic interest and approval first while other women, white women in particular, ignored me.
I must admit though; until very recently I was cold as a stone when it came to how I felt towards black women romantically. I did not feel romantically towards black women at all; my romantic feelings towards black women were very very weak, the racial barrier romantically was very difficult for me to overcome. I loved white women and white women only. My racial preference for white skin was very strong. I felt some attraction towards Asian women, not very much. Occasionally a Hispanic woman would look pretty to me. Black was the biggest turn off though. Very rarely was I able to conjure up any significant attraction to a black woman. White skin was where it was at. The white woman was by far the most beautiful woman in my eyes. I particularly liked Russian or Eastern European women; they were the very very best in my eyes.
My romantic preference for white women was very strong and it started very young; from the beginning. I remember in 7th grade at the very beginning of puberty me becoming aware of my very definite preference for white women and being bothered by it and trying to overcome it and feeling that I was being harmed by it but that it was just something I couldn’t do anything about. It was “part of me” somehow whether I liked it or not.
There was one girl in particular during 7th grade that highlighted this racial issue for me of only being attracted to white women. She was racially mixed or light brown or something. She was a kind woman, she was good and understanding to me, I could tell that she liked me for awhile and then she publicly professed her love to me in front of other students. It was towards the end of the school year. Her profession of love to me was rather embarrassing and I stayed stony cold to her romantically while remaining friendly and courteous to her, I simply didn’t feel the same way in return. She then did something a bit intimate with me where she fixed and cut my hair in class. I liked that little interaction with her, I liked that she was able to do something intimate with me that was appropriate.
I thought about that girl rather a lot. She transferred to another school the next year and I definitely got the impression that she transferred to the other school because of my rejection of her, that she would have “stayed for me” if I had reciprocated her romantic feelings for me. I was really pissed at myself for not liking that girl, it was obvious to me that the only reason I didn’t “like her” romantically was because of her somewhat brown racially mixed appearance. She treated me better than any other girl, she was obviously good and kind, and she liked me more than any other girl. Ordinarily I was hard up for women and there was nothing “wrong” with her, she just wasn’t white, that was all and that overrode everything else. I tried to make myself attracted to her as a relationship with her would be great but I just couldn’t do it. My racial preference for the woman being white was just too strong, I just couldn’t overcome it. Also this woman was attractive objectively, outside of the racial part.
From the very very beginning of my romantic history I only “liked” white women. This periodically bothered me; I wanted to at least have the option of being with a non-white woman romantically. I wondered if it was genetic or something. I tried a couple of times over the years to develop an ability to become attracted to non-white women to give me more options in the romantic marketplace but my efforts always fell flat after some anxiety and angst that I didn’t understand and couldn’t overcome.
Finally, at long last, my most recent efforts with women have led me to discover what my romantic preference for white women was really all about and has enabled me to become attracted to women of all races including black women at long last.
First of all, love itself is raceless. Think of yourself as feeling intense love for a woman, an intense desire to be close to that woman and feel connected with that woman. At that moment of intimacy the race of the woman disappears, your feelings towards her are raceless, she has a feminine emotional presence that you are connecting with but she has no racial identity during that experience. This means a specific racial association is not necessary as part of your love attachment with a woman; that love is independent from race.
Next. Is romantic racial preference genetic? No, it is based on cultural associations with race. It is based on whether or not you feel you “belong” with a woman of another race. Whether you are accepted by her, whether it is “right” to be with a woman of another race. For me at least my attraction towards white women was based on my racial identity as a white man. A non-white woman challenged my racial identity of what it meant to be white, what being a “white man” meant for me.
My feeling particularly regarding black women was that the black woman didn’t want me, that she was hostile towards me and alien to me, that I was not part of “her world” and that I didn’t “belong” with her; that she didn’t want me and that I shouldn’t want her. These were deep visceral emotional associations triggered by the sight of black skin on a woman alone; they had nothing to do with how an individual black or racially mixed woman actually felt towards me or how she actually treated me, it was just an association with the black race romantically itself.
These associations are wrong, they are not true, they are not morally supportable and they are not how all black women feel towards white men. Yes some or most black women prefer to stick with their “own kind” but not all do; there is a subset of black women who want a white man or who are open to a white man. Obviously if a black woman is showing a romantic interest in you as a white man she is indicating she is accepting of you being white.
As a white man loving a black or mixed race woman is not bad, is not morally wrong, does not make you weird, does not mean that you are not “truly white,” is not a moral condemnation of white women, is not a betrayal of white women, is not a repudiation of your “own kind,” does not mean you are selling yourself short or that you are desperate, does not mean you are denying yourself true female beauty, does not mean you will never be truly loved or truly accepted, does not mean you have failed as a white man.
Think of white skin as paint on a canvas, the canvas being the human body. Is white skin beautiful? Yes. But black skin is beautiful to. But brown skin is beautiful to. The canvas of a woman’s body is beautiful and the paint or skin painted onto the woman’s body is beautiful to. The thing is all the different colors of paint are beautiful just as all the different skin colors women’s bodies come packaged within are beautiful. There’s no reason to think that the particular color of white is more beautiful than the other colors available that women come in.
Am I being a utopian idealist here? I don’t think so. Think of women as works of art created by God and you can understand how there is a wide variety of beauty God has created in the form or medium of women’s bodies.
Something I will say here. It is not that race is a fiction or that race doesn’t matter or that race is irrelevant to what you find attractive in a woman. It is that all the different races are beautiful and attractive and desirable in their own right. You love a white woman because she is white, you love a black woman because she is black, you love an Asian or Hispanic woman because she is Asian or Hispanic. The point is not to ignore race but to actively embrace and desire all of the different racial archetypes. When you love a woman you love the physicality of the woman, your love for her is directed towards her body or physical presence. When you look at a woman the first thing you see is race, race being her overall body plan or appearance. Then comes her intrinsic beauty such as facial symmetry and her age and her weight. Then comes her personality characteristics and your emotional associations with her based on your interactions with her in the past. You have to love her race first before progressing towards developing a love and attraction for her overall.
After coming to these realizations and understandings of what race means romantically an amazing thing happened for me; non-white women “came alive” for me romantically. All of a sudden I was feeling attraction towards non-white women of all races that I had never felt before. Previously white women were always the ones dominating my attention but all of a sudden I noticed no particular advantage that white women had over other women anymore. It was amazing really, women of all races were jumping out at me because of how beautiful they were; black women included. I even found myself actively desiring black skin at times, the darker the better; that black skin itself was desirable and arousing to me.
I very much like this change in my romantic map; in what I find attractive in a woman. It will help me greatly in my romantic pursuits and in my ability to feel comfortable with non-whites as part of my family.
Shifting gears to the wider picture. The main reason why I have focused so much on white men / black women relationships is because such marriages actually have lower divorce rates than marriages where both are white or both are black. Compared to the standard marriage where both spouses are white white men / black women marriages only have 56% of the probability of divorce within the first 10 years. In contrast black men / white women marriages have a divorce rate 208% of the standard white man / white woman marriage. That’s right; the divorce rate of the black man / white woman marriage is almost 4 times as high as the divorce rate of white man / black woman marriages. In general from the stand point of likelihood of divorce it makes sense for a white man to pursue or accept women of other races (especially black women) but it does not make sense for a non-white man (either black or Hispanic or Asian) to pursue a white woman rather than a woman of his own race. In 2010 23.6% of all black men who married married outside of their race; this being in contrast to only 9.3% of black women marrying outside of their race. In 1980 6.7% of all new marriages were interracial, this rising to 15.1% in 2010. All these figures being in regards to the United States.
For a white man being open to black women as romantic partners makes a lot of sense. For me the key to opening up my heart to black women was understanding that it was my concept of my white racial identity that was getting in the way, it was not anything “natural” or genetic that caused me to favor white women over all other women in the past. I am still a white man whether I am with a white woman or not; being with a black woman does not “diminish” my whiteness or my white identity in any way. In terms of my moral purpose I am to love and to serve women; the race of the woman I am to serve not being relevant.
It only harms me to favor a white woman simply for being white as that means I am giving to her credit or status which she did not earn; it means I am sacrificing a benefit a non-white woman could give to me simply in order to be near white skin. This makes no sense in the absence of a romantic preference for white women in the first place. With my preference for white women being overcome I can instead focus on simply what woman can give me the best relationship regardless of what race she is.
From my point of view creating the best relationship with a woman that I can is the highest priority. To me my long standing historic preference for white women romantically was never something that I chose and it was never something that I believed in, instead it was just something foisted upon me by outside influences I didn’t understand and couldn’t overcome. I am glad to be free of my overwhelming romantic preference for white women at long long last.
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