Rollo Tomassi of The Rational Male has a post up titled “That was then” with a sad wistful accompanying picture of a young teenage girl in a white dress holding the hand of the faded vanishing teenaged boy; the young couple who were together so long ago but no more as “that was then.” The picture seems to represent an image from Rollo Tomassi’s past as he relates in his article that when he was young, in his late teens before turning 21, that he would have eagerly married one of his first long term relationship (LTR) girlfriends presumably if he could have. He relates that one of these LTR girlfriends rejected him when he was 19 or 20 years old with the “consolation prize” of suggesting that if they were both single when they were 30 years old that then they should marry each other. Rollo then waxes eloquently about how he is so glad this girl rejected him instead of him being sucked into a “Dream Killing” marriage with her before he understood the greater options he would have in the future as his Sexual Market Value (SMV) increased with his greater maturity and status that he would acquire as an older more successful more established man.
My impulse is that Rollo should have married one of his youthful LTRs; one of the major loves in his life that he had a relationship with before the age of 21, that one of those women is precisely the woman who would have been best for him psychologically and in terms of his moral purpose as a man. Instead he veered off on the wrong track starting at age 21 becoming a “player.”
Reading his post there is a lot of anger and contempt for women in general and particular hostility for the girl who rejected him setting him up as a “back up man” if him and her were still single at age 30. Interestingly as things turned out it appears that Rollo could have indeed married this girl when they were both 30 as by that time she was divorced with 2 kids and he was still single at that time (it appears) but by that time Rollo was not interested.
There is an awful lot of jargon in Rollo’s post making it a bit hard to keep track of what all he is saying and the logic behind it. Also a lot of claims are asserted about how women typically behave and think that I am suspicious of; that I suspect are not backed up by much evidence.
What I want to focus on is the merits of a man being a “back up man” for a woman later in life; this idea of a woman rejecting you in your youth but holding out the promise of potentially marrying you if you are both still single at a later date. Apparently this kind of “bargain” is not so rare.
The offensive statement Rollo is reacting to in his post is the woman saying:
“You’re such a great guy, but I’m not ready for a relationship right now. How about this, if neither of us is married when we’re 30 we’ll get married, ok?”
Rollo then “interprets” this as the woman in reality saying:
‘“Hey Beta chump, I like your dedication to the Disneyland narrative, and you’ll make for a dutiful and lucrative supporter once I’m 30 and done with the Alphas I really want to fuck while I’m in my prime, so how about you and I get married once I’m ready to finally ‘get it right with the right guy who was there all along’ okay?”
In other words, wait for me and be my Plan B guy just in case, ok?’
Now, I can understand the logic behind Rollo’s hostile interpretation of the woman’s rejection of him but if you just look at what the woman is actually saying there is no need to react with hostility. What the woman is saying is a perfectly reasonable statement and way of looking at things. Yes it is a rejection but it is a kindly worded rejection with a bit of hope thrown in there that is in the interests of both the man and the woman in the situation.
The woman is saying that she likes you, that you are part way good relationship material in her eyes, but that she doesn’t want to marry you now. At the same time she sees that in 10 years you might improve yourself or that she might be worse off and that it makes sense that she probably would accept marrying you if in 10 years she is single and you are single to. Nowhere in the woman’s statement is there an expectation that the man will “wait for her” until they are 30; instead if due to unfortunate circumstances for the both of them they are both single at age 30 then marrying each other is something she would be open to.
There is nothing sinister in a woman making this offer or giving this consolation prize to a man she is rejecting. Yes hearing this from a woman that you love and want to marry is sad and heartbreaking and probably traumatic because it is a rejection but the woman is not saying anything “bad” or “wrong” or abusive; she is just recognizing that things can change and is communicating to you that she is open to revisiting things with you at a later time when her status as a woman will be weaker and your status as a man will probably be stronger.
You have to understand as a man; if the woman is rejecting you then you’ve lost in regards to your hopes for a relationship with her. You failed, you lost, you didn’t measure up. That is just a fact. The woman is then telling you that she accepts you as a potential “Plan B” man in the future if you and her are still single at the age of 30. Be thankful for that. It is better that you be her “Plan B” man than to mean nothing to her at all. Maybe you will be very very thankful that you have a second chance at her come the time age 30 rolls around.
You don’t have the right to marry her in her youth in her prime if she rejects you in that role; you need to understand that. You want to marry her when she is young at her best when she has the most to offer to a man, that is completely understandable. You don’t always get what you want however. You aren’t necessarily her first choice when she is at her strongest and most desirable as a woman. At the same time you might very well be her first choice if you are still on the market and she is on the market to either never married or divorced as a 30 year old still relatively young woman. The thing is she doesn’t OWE YOU first prize and first preference; you either earned that status or you didn’t based on what she herself decides on that matter.
At the same time, you as the man definitely have no obligation to wait around until you are 30 so that you will still be “available” on the off chance she happens to be single to at that time. That is not an obligation or expectation she is placing on you in the first place and it is not a sane thing for you as the man to waste 10 years of your life “waiting for her.” That is not the point. The point is she is offering herself to you at a future time under the conditionality of you both being single at age 30.
A woman that you loved in high school has the potentiality of being a very very precious woman to you throughout your entire life. What you have to keep in mind when thinking about revisiting a love from your past is that this woman that you loved in high school; she will be older and diminished in value for men in general but if your love for her in high school was strong and powerful she will not have diminished in value for you at all. She will be young and beautiful to you even while being older and faded in the eyes of other men. If she is previously divorced you won’t really care about that because you knew her and loved her before she met the man she later divorced; you came first, you preceded her ex-husband. If she has children from her prior failed relationship that might be good and it might be bad; it depends on how closely what she can offer you in regards to children and family life matches what your ideal is in regards to children and family life. If you want children and she is too old to have additional biological children with you then her having children from her previous failed marriage is a very very good thing as it allows you to be a father in regards to the relationship experience of being a father and in terms of the social contribution of being a father.
A woman’s Sexual Market Value (SMV) declines in general as a woman gets older but you must consider the fact that the love of your life in high school will still be the love of your life throughout your entire life; that her SMV as it relates to you will not decline with age, that her youth will be preserved in regards to her value to you.
Reunions with Lost Loves or with a woman from your past; in particular with a woman you loved up until about age 22 from college or high school or middle school are the best strongest relationships of all with a very low divorce rate I will add. That is if your feelings towards the woman got fixed permanently in your brain and your psyche. A relationship with a woman from your past won’t be so great if there was an abuse dynamic between you two or if you never loved her that strongly in the first place or if your life goals and moral values are seriously in conflict at the time of your potential reunion with her. Barring those potential problems however a reunion with a woman from your past is a very good idea indeed if you are both single.
Different relationships have different strengths of the romantic bond underlying them. These can be categorized according to the man’s perception of the woman over time. If the man is actively with the woman romantically and the woman ages in the man’s eyes during the relationship that indicates the weakest bond. If the woman doesn’t seem to age while the relationship is active but a separation from the woman leads to the man losing the sense of the woman still being young that indicates a medium strength bond. The strongest bond is when the woman appears perpetually youthful and perpetually young in the man’s eyes even after an extended period of having no contact with the woman at all; this being what happens in a “Lost Love” situation where the reunion of such a couple produces a very strong emotional response and desire to be together. Reuniting with a woman from your youth who is a “Lost Love” makes a lot of sense as she will still be young and beautiful in your eyes regardless of her biological age. If however your original bond with her wasn’t so strong then the wisdom of revisiting the relationship with her at a later age is more iffy.
In Rollo’s post he talks about his idealism and naiveté before age 21 and his “Blue Pill conditioning” that would have set him up for being enslaved by “The Feminine Imperative” without the stroke of luck of him being rejected by one of his early youthful LTRs. This makes me kind of sad. It gives the impression that he loved women before age 21 ready and wanting to get married and willing to be a “good man” in terms of supporting a woman in her life goals as her husband but that after age 21 after his idealistic trusting window closed he turned cynical afraid of intimacy phobic of commitment full of resentment for women and their manipulative ways.
The women of your youth represent a resource for you over your entire life; your youth is the best time you have in terms of forming your strongest romantic bonds and setting your life course and establishing your identity and your purpose in life; an identity and purpose that may very well be connected to those members of the opposite sex who affected you most profoundly in your youth. If a woman you really truly love tells you you can revisit things with her when you are both older don’t throw that opportunity away because of wounded pride and resentment of her rejecting you in the first place. Instead learn from your mistakes and weaknesses that led to your failure with her the first time around and be very very grateful for the second chances she gives to you to be with her at a later point in life so that both you and her can have a second chance at happiness and love together at a later age if both you and her share the misfortune together of not being lucky with someone else when your second chance to be with your beloved from high school arrives.
Related article: Lost Love and the Importance of Marrying an Early Romantic Partner