What is the meaning of love, of romantic love? It feels wonderful, of course, but it is also moral. It directs a man to serve and to perform, to care about another human being, in particular the kind of human being his masculinity is directed towards by God, the beautiful feminine woman the man has fallen in love with. Love is idealistic and sacrificial by nature; the focus of love being to give to another person even at a cost to oneself. Love is beneficial but it is not selfish.
Love makes a man stronger, it forces the man to think about how others see him, to think about how he compares to other men; in what ways he is stronger than other men and in what ways he is weaker than other men. It forces the man to be pleasing and valuable to somebody else, in particular the woman he seeks to be with. The more the man achieves and improves himself the more likely the particular woman he seeks will want him in return and the more women in general will want him.
Love provides the reward and the incentive for the man to involve himself in family life; to dedicate himself to the support of a woman and the raising of children in the context of marriage; strong stable marriage being the foundation of a well ordered society. Romantic love towards women also being the emotional foundation of how a man views women in general so that men in general protect the interests of women in general.
Falling in love is a natural thing, a good thing. Sometimes the man falls in love very hard, so much so that all other women fade away as romantic interests and the man is only interested in that ONE WOMAN romantically. Sometimes the love proves deep and long lasting so that the man finds that he is still in love with the woman even if it has been many years since he last saw her.
Not all loves are the same; that is just a plain fact. Some are more intense than others, some are more durable than others, with some women you can form a healthy sustainable relationship with them without too much conflict and with other women you can’t. Not all women are the same, not all relationships are the same, some are better than others.
One thing you need to keep in mind is that you as a man change over time; your ability to bond and form new emotional attachments with women tends to weaken as you get older and as you accumulate more romantic and sexual partners in your history while at the same time your ability to perform and to contribute and your relationship competence tends to strengthen as you get older. A man is more powerful and competent and has higher status when he is older but he doesn’t love a new woman as powerfully or as easily as when he was younger. The older man will on the other hand love a woman from his youth as powerfully as when he was young if the original romantic bond with the woman of his youth was a permanent lifetime bond.
So love is good, right? It feels good, it is natural, it is something that is born into us; inherited. Surely you are happy and glad that something as wonderful as romantic love is a part of the human experience that we can all enjoy. Stronger more intense more durable love is better, right? Of course! Obviously!
Why then Rollo Tomassi’s recent post titled “Disassembling Oneitis” where Tomassi says:
“One of two things generally happen for the Blue Pill guy who gets his wish and achieves intimacy with his ONEitis girl. He either defaults to supplication with her, or his ONEitis idealization of her is dispelled, and she and womankind are brought back down to earth to mingle with the mere mortals. It’s important to really understand what ONEitis really is; an unhealthy attachment to an idealization. A lot of guys make the mistake of believing that if they’re “really in love” with their ONEitis everything is OK, but the fact is that guys wrapped up in ONEitis are committed to the belief in their idealized Dream Girl.”
MGTOW Coterie says at the beginning of his Youtube video “Why Oneitis is an Illusion”:
“What is oneitis? Briefly, oneitis is the concept that the woman you’re currently seeing, missing, unable to obtain, or what have you, is the perfect woman for you and that no other woman compares. It is often accompanied by feelings of depression, anxiety, possessiveness, jealously, general inadequacy and unworthiness. In short it is uncomfortable and often deleterious to the psyche.
Ironically, oneitis is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. A woman senses your pedestalization of her, your feelings of need for her, your worship of her, and she equates such neediness with feminine weakness. She is then far more likely to fall out of love, cheat, or leave you. Men tend to understand this phenomenon and a man’s desire to stop being needy only fuels his oneitis further until any semblance of attraction has fallen into disrepair.”
Oneitis. The disease of oneitis, the affliction and malady of oneitis. Oneitis is when you love a woman too much, where you fixate on her, when you don’t want any other woman besides her, when you basically emotionally commit yourself to her. Why is this a bad thing exactly? In marriage you commit yourself to one woman and only one woman for life; that being what marriage is. Oneitis is then a kind of emotional marriage, a desire to be married or a feeling of being married to a particular woman. You do want to have oneitis for the woman that you ultimately marry; that being the point of oneitis, to emotionally prepare you and commit you to marriage, oneitis being the emotional state of love and attachment consistent with marriage.
True oneitis can be premature, it can be one sided, it can be directed towards someone you don’t have real compatibility with, and you are likely to feel it for more than one woman over time. Oneitis is not bad however and it is not meaningless either. You will likely seriously fall for more than one woman in your life but you will not seriously fall in love with a large number of different women; your capacity to fall deeply in love with different women being limited. You get 3 or 4 major loves in your romantic history, maybe 5, but not much more than that. You want to marry one of these top tier most loved women in your romantic history if you can; one of your oneitis girls if you can. Getting oneitis over a girl is an important signal to you that this woman is serious and important. You love her so much, more than other girls, for a reason.
You do have to try to hold onto your rationality and not get too carried away with feelings or wishful thinking, but having strong feelings for a woman is not bad. To see if your feelings for a woman are “for real” compare how strongly you feel towards her versus earlier crushes or infatuations you’ve had towards others. Are your feelings towards her really stronger than earlier experiences you’ve had with other women? Also see if your feelings towards her sustain themselves over a period of ongoing romantic interaction with her; say for 6 months or a year. If these conditions are met; that you love her more strongly and more durably than other women then maybe she is “for real,” then maybe just maybe she is “the one.”
There are various criticisms of oneitis. Oneitis is a delusion, it is not rational, no woman is perfect, all women are pretty much the same, they are interchangeable. Oneitis makes a man weak, desperate for the woman’s approval, needy, and this then makes the man undesirable to the woman. Oneitis is a set up for emotional trauma, the man is highly fearful that he is not “good enough” or that he will fail with his oneitis girl and then when he does fail he is crushed that he lost his “one true love” and his best chance at happiness forever. That for a man to be attractive and successful with women he needs to have an “abundance mentality;” oneitis being the opposite of an “abundance mentality” where the man has only one option for romantic success, his oneitis fantasy dream girl.
Taking on these criticisms of oneitis. Is oneitis delusional? Is love itself a rational thing? It’s not irrational to think a woman is beautiful, that she is kind and warm and good to you, that you really love her and you really want to be with her. That she would be a good mother to your children and that dedicating your life to her is a good moral and happy thing to do. That she is the woman you most want to be with in this world. None of those thoughts or feelings are irrational. Is she the most beautiful woman in the world? Maybe to you she is. Of course she is not the most beautiful woman in the world objectively speaking according to men in general but for you in your eyes maybe she really is the most beautiful woman in the world. That’s what matters, what you feel towards her, not what other men think of her but what you think and feel towards her.
Oneitis makes a man weak because it makes the man desperate for the woman’s approval? This is an interesting claim. What is the power of a man based on? The man has a duty to be powerful, has a duty to be dominant on the woman’s behalf. The man having power in relation to the woman is a moral issue; it is something that the man must commit to regardless of the woman he is with. If the man is not dominant over the woman then he is failing in his romantic role as a man. The man is to provide for the woman, to financially support the woman, and the man is to protect the woman, and the man is to create order and structure and predictability in the relationship through the assertion and maintenance of dominance in the romantic relationship; this being the man’s duty and role whoever the man is with. The man has a duty to take on this dominant role in the relationship no matter how much he loves and desires a particular woman he wants to be with. Perhaps the man will face a heartbreaking situation where the woman he loves the most does not agree with him regarding how a man and woman should interact with each other and treat each other in which case he may love the woman but is not compatible with the woman leading to relationship failure due to incompatible moral values. This might happen to a man, not all romances have fairy tale endings. The point however is that loving a woman does not by itself make you weak in regards to that woman. You can love a woman and impose demands on her at the same time because imposing demands on the woman is a moral imperative, something a man can commit himself to even if it costs him the woman he loves the most.
Oneitis is a set up for emotional trauma? Sorry to say this but you don’t always get what you want; being with the woman you love the most is a privilege, something lucky, it is not a right. Just because you love her doesn’t necessarily mean she loves you. Maybe you aren’t good enough, maybe she can do better than you. Tough luck. Improve yourself so that your chances will be better with the next woman you fall hard for. You can’t escape emotional trauma, failure, challenge, rejection, the need to improve yourself and to do better next time. What is far worse from my point of view is to kill off my feelings towards women in general just to escape the challenges and disappointments that come from pursuit of the opposite sex. Personally I feel good just in the self-improvement process; that making myself better and more desirable to a future woman is rewarding in its own right even when I am not in a relationship with a woman right now. The greater trauma is the rejection of love itself, not being rejected by any individual woman.
As far as having an “abundance mentality.” A man is not totally dependent upon one woman emotionally or romantically in his life but he does have to face scarcity of a sort, the fact that his ability to bond with women is limited. The number of women out there is unlimited but the number of women a man can fall seriously in love with is limited. The limitation is within the man, the man’s limited ability to form new romantic attachments. To gain real value from a romantic relationship you need to have commitment and the commitment is real and important and limiting at the psychological emotional level, not just as a moral obligation that you pledge yourself to socially and legally but also at the level of your internal emotions and your weaker ability to fall in love again if the relationship you have committed yourself to fails. Yes oneitis is contrary to “abundance mentality” but it is also the mechanism by which you can gain real value from love through commitment; it is the means by which you can fall in love deeply and create the foundation for a happy enduring marriage.