My introduction to women romantically was in 7th grade; that was when all of a sudden women, the other girls at my school, became really “cute,” some really emotionally powerful, girls I would think about a lot and become really excited by the prospect of when I might see them again or run into them again. How would I react, what would I say?
Nobody taught me or lectured me about the importance of marriage at this time, what my responsibilities as a man were as a future husband, what was important to look for and demand from a potential future wife. It was just puberty; biologically feelings towards women just rushed into me.
Still, even though I was given no lessons regarding what to look for in a woman regarding positive qualities or moral attributes still spontaneously there were definitely some women that I liked more than others, some women I was more strongly attracted to than others. This kind of emotional signal of what girls I liked the most led me to rank women in a kind of hierarchy; which girl I liked the most, which girls came in second or third place, what additional background girls did I kind of like but not give much attention to. Of course there was also the feedback of which girls seemed to like me in return; if I liked a girl initially and then the girl in return seemed to like me that is when my feelings towards the girl would skyrocket and become really strong.
Without any intellectual judgment at all regarding compatible moral values or life goals; what even were my moral values or life goals at that time?; I still ranked women into a hierarchy of who I liked more and who I liked less simply based on the strength of my feelings and attraction towards them.
So what was my attraction based on at this early stage of things? Looks, mood and personality of the girl, demeanor, her response towards me. There are various psychological theories of attraction; that they remind you of your opposite sex parent, that they feel “comfortable” to you because they are similar to what you were shown and what you adapted to in your family of origin. I also think there is a kind of inborn pattern of what masculinity is and what femininity is; that a girl who expresses the femininity archetype will be naturally attractive to boys in general. There is also looks, having good genes, having a symmetrical face and such.
These basic fundamental things that go into attraction; what you are attracted to; are the starting point of deciding which girls you like the most, indeed which girl in particular you like the very most, and which girls you also like but not so much.
Attraction and romantic feelings are a controversial topic. On the one hand love and happy feelings are often presented as the central purpose of romantic relationships and marriage and on the other hand there often seems to be a deliberate effort to downplay and minimize the importance or legitimacy of romantic feelings in a relationship. On the secular side of things in the manosphere there is this hostility towards what is dubbed “oneitis” where one loves a particular woman too much. There seems to be this fear that loving a woman too much leads to insecurity and weakness in the man; that a woman simply has too much power if she is loved by the man. On the religious side of things too much focus on romantic feelings is said to make marriages weak; that people will be inclined to divorce or view their marriages as no longer valuable if they “fall out of love” with their spouse. Also romantic feelings are seen as competing against moral values or religious teachings; that romantic feelings are not rational and not linked to legitimate functional martial values or purposes. That you may marry someone who is not matched with you religiously or in terms of life goals and life purpose if you focus on your love for someone as a marital criteria.
In my view of things romantic attraction and moral values and purpose are both very important; that one should both be in love with their spouse romantically and also share with their spouse a basic moral outlook on things so that the marriage will serve a moral purpose without too much conflict. That marriage should be both happy and moral at the same time; the happiness of the marriage being derived from the joy you get from being intimate with a woman that you love and the morality of the marriage coming from the shared moral purpose you and your wife agree upon together.
Romantic attraction and romantic feelings are like the built in inherited motivation to attach yourself to another person in marriage and then moral values are like the mechanical process of how to make the marriage work in a practical sense in reality. A marriage is both emotional and practical; romantic attraction and love being the emotional foundation of the marriage and moral values and moral rules and principles to follow being how the marital relationship will be maintained at a practical day to day level. The reward of the marriage is the love expressed and felt and shared between husband and wife while the purpose of the marriage is the actualization of moral principles and moral duties in the marriage.
To me my feelings of love towards a woman are a signal to me of how much value she has to me, how much she has to offer me, how much value I can give to her as a man, how well I can function with her romantically, how much value I can give to the world through a potential relationship with her. If I love her a lot that indicates that she has high value to me and that a relationship with her will work well both in terms of how much the relationship will give to me and also in terms of how much I can give to others through a relationship with her.
There is the upsetting possibility that my feelings towards a woman will be in conflict with my moral purpose as a man; that I will love a woman romantically but that the woman will not want to go along with what I want her purpose and role to be as my wife. That there will be a conflict between my romantic feelings and my moral values. In such a case my moral values must come first; that I will reject the woman even if I love her the most if she is in conflict against my role and my purpose as a man. The woman has to be a traditional woman, a woman who will submit to me, and then given that pre-condition my inclination is to want to marry the woman that I love the most; that the woman I want to marry is the traditional woman that I love and desire the most, who has the most to offer me as a man.
Of course the woman also has to want me in return. I want the best woman I can get, the best woman who will also accept me. I must be good enough for her in addition to her being good enough for me. There is some universe of women that I am capable of marrying and that I desire to marry; this being traditional women who will accept my claim of dominance over them. I then want to marry the woman that I love the most, who can give to me the most, from this pool of desirable achievable women.
One shouldn’t lose sight in all of this what the purpose of marriage is; the purpose of marriage being men’s support of women’s purpose as women; men’s masculinity in service of women’s femininity; put bluntly the transfer of resources from men to women. Marriage has a practical purpose; the financial support of women; in addition to having an emotional purpose; to be with the woman you love.
I have found that in the early part of my romantic life my love and attraction towards women came first, it was really the only part that I cared about or understood. It was only in later years that I started to develop moral values to commit myself to or criteria for compatibility to judge women against. First came attraction, later came the moral duties and expectations I would place upon myself and impose upon whatever woman I sought to be with. The thing is that my strongest attractions were towards the women of my youth when I was young before I had developed the practical abilities and moral rules to follow that would enable me to serve a woman in the practical ways I should serve a woman.
The ideal is to be with a woman you love very strongly who in general terms is compatible with and agreeable to your moral values and your moral purpose and your moral role as a man. Detailed agreement with your beliefs and her matching a list of compatibility criteria and loving her part-way is not as good as loving her strongly and her matching your moral values and goals in general terms. Marrying a woman you love strongly may indeed mean marrying young when your passions are still strong and your ability to form romantic bonds is at its best. Alternatively marrying a woman from your youth, revisiting a relationship from your past that maybe can work better the second time around, is another way you can marry a woman you love strongly due to the bond you formed with her when you were young. You must remember, it is traditional to marry young.
Marriage is about dedicating my abilities as a man in service to the woman I love the most; the purpose is service while the reward is love. If the woman doesn’t accept my claim of dominance over her then I cannot serve her; if I cannot serve her then a relationship with her serves no moral purpose. She must accept my service to her in order for my love for her to have value. So my love for her must be combined with her submission to me in order for a marriage with her to make sense. This being why she needs to be a traditional woman who is in general agreement with my role and purpose as a man. Given basic moral compatibility however I want to be with the woman I love the most, the woman I am attracted to and in love with the most.