My Beloved from High School

I first saw her in the later part of 9th grade, probably the first day of second semester. All the different students were introducing themselves to the class, it was English class I believe, and when I first saw her I was in shock, oh my god she was so cute, so charming, so pretty, so fascinating. She was laughing, having a good time, yucking it up with friends. She seemed so confident and relaxed and playful, having a good time with the ritual introductions to the class. And she was so pretty. I was amazed, damn that girl was attractive. I obsessed over her a good three days before “returning to normal” mentally. I was always acutely aware of her after that, nervous about how I should react to her and such.

Then came the early part of 10th grade. It was in the library. She came up to me out of the blue and asked me “Do you think I’m pretty?” I can still hear her voice in my mind when she asked me that. I told her yes, I’ve thought you were pretty since the first time I ever saw you. Incredible! This girl I had always been strongly attracted to is attracted to me to? After that moment she went from being one of several girls I was attracted to to being the girl I liked the most. Also after this we became “friends,” we would talk to each other in a friendly manner on a regular basis making small talk. She always welcomed me and approved of me when I would initiate a conversation with her. Every time we talked I was happy and excited about it; myself being very aware that I really liked this girl even though officially me and her were just “friends.”

Then came the later part of 11th grade. That is when I looked at her coming to class one day and thought to myself “You have value!” This was important because at this point the way I viewed her changed. She went from being a girl I really liked, the girl I liked the most, to being a girl who was good, a girl who had “value.” I liked her for a reason, for a purpose. My feelings for her weren’t just random and purposeless, a way to entertain myself, instead my feelings for her were there for a purpose, to motivate me to benefit her because she had a value and a purpose that I was supposed to support and be a part of as a man. I was supposed to benefit her life.

This was a transition between liking her and loving her; love having a duty and an obligation and an intention towards benefit and care attached to it. Love not just being strong like, love instead being a part of a moral purpose and a moral identity.

The thought directed towards her that “You have value!” was also a move towards marriage, it was the beginning of thinking about her like a husband thinks about his wife. I started to think about her as someone I owed obligations to, as someone I should try to benefit, I should try to give something to. Her representing a purpose for me, a mechanism for me to create value in my life. Me thinking to myself directed towards her that “You have value!” represented the beginning of a marital intent towards her, that I wanted to direct my efforts towards her on her behalf much as a husband does on behalf of his wife.

This was the point where I started to take direct romantic initiative with her, where I had an idea that I wanted her to become my “girlfriend.” My romantic efforts towards her were legitimized by the idea that I was valuing her as a woman through my romantic efforts towards her, that I was telling her that I “liked” her, that I wanted a romantic relationship with her, that what I felt towards her was more than just “friends.”

This was the first time I ever did this, the first time I ever “pursued” a woman. She liked it, especially at first, but she was hesitant. When I pushed her in an overt way looking for romantic acceptance from her she would reject my more direct or forceful overtures. When I was more low key she accepted me more. The later part of 11th grade was indecisive; some good responses from her but she wasn’t allowing me to enter into “boyfriend” territory.

When 12th grade came around I knew I didn’t have a chance with her ultimately but I felt bad that I had resisted entering into a relationship with her for so long, maybe she didn’t understand that I had always liked her, and in addition I really loved her by that time and I wanted to establish a positive identity for myself; I wanted to be the man who loved her. I wanted her to know that I really loved her and I wanted other people at the school to know that I loved her, my love for her becoming a kind of identity I wanted to establish for myself both internally in terms of how I thought about myself and in terms of how she viewed me and in terms of how other people viewed me in general. The goal of becoming her “boyfriend” was unattainable but I could become “the man who loved her” essentially by force of will; by persistently pursuing her until she gave me a hard rejection to get rid of me.

So that was my approach when school commenced again and 12th grade got started. I was going to pursue her relentlessly until I got a hard rejection from her. Psychologically this was very difficult for me, I was usually shy and socially reserved, I wasn’t used to being forward towards a girl, and I knew at some point a rejection was coming, but my mission to “show her I loved her” was important to me so I pushed forward regardless of such behavior being way out of my comfort zone.

What I most liked about her behavior towards me during the early part of 12th grade is that she was kind to me, she was caring towards me, she was friendly towards me, she accepted me, and she was comfortable in my presence. That last part was the most important part to me, that she was comfortable in my presence. That she was comfortable in my presence even though by that time I was clear in my expression of romantic feelings towards her.

Then the inevitable came, the hard rejection. In her rejection of me I felt relieved, I felt proud of myself, I felt like I had succeeded in my mission. My job was done, I could finally stop pursuing her, I could relax. Time to move onto the next stage of my life. I felt very sure that she knew that I loved her by that time and so I had accomplished my goal in regards to her.

After her rejection of me I had entered a state of marital attachment towards her I would say; I had marital feelings towards her and I had a marital identity in relation to her. I loved her as a husband and I felt a duty of service towards her as a husband. The process of pursuing this woman from the latter part of 11th grade to the first part of 12th grade increased the intensity of my feelings towards her and my sense of duty and obligation towards her quite a bit; it also led to me developing a self-identity based on my love for her as my central virtue and my central purpose in life. The rejection then led to the end of this developmental process of loving her more and committing myself to her more and developing my identity based on my love for her and my duties towards her but by the time the rejection occurred my marital attachment towards her had already been established so it was set in stone already by the time the rejection took place.

So why did she reject me? Because I was weak and worthless. I knew I was weak and worthless at the time, when 12th grade came along. This is why I knew ultimately I didn’t have a chance with her. I had the sense that she was attracted to me at a basic level but I had problems at a performance level that she probably sensed in the latter part of 11th grade and that were quite obvious by the time 12th grade came around. I was strong in some areas but weak in other areas. I had self-discipline, I had idealism, I had a strong internal sense of ethics, I was courageous and ambitious in certain ways, I was intelligent. I imagine these were the things she liked about me. At the same time I was socially isolated and was not able to function in the wider society well. I was not able to provide for her or take care of her, I was not able to perform the role and functions that a man needs to serve in relation to a woman.

Then high school ended. Easy access and automatic socialization with various attractive women including the woman I loved the most ended. I was rejected because I was too weak and not “good enough” for the woman I wanted the most. So, I had to become better, I had to become stronger.

The first thing I did was to try to become the best version of myself. To become a healthy ethical good version of who I “truly was.” Ideally the girl from high school would like me more if I succeeded in this but alternately I could find some other girl. At this stage I became a gender bending male feminist, a “sensitive man” in touch with my feminine side. I pursued what I was comfortable with, the path of least resistance. I got social approval from women but very very little romantic interest. Something was “wrong” with girls approving of me but not “liking,” not being attracted, to me. That was messed up. I started to think about myself more deeply and I started to become disgusted with myself. I was lazy apathetic and distant really, not wanting to get “too close” to a woman and not wanting to do too much for a woman either. I imagined the woman from high school seeing me in that state and her being disappointed with me. Really, I didn’t love women very much in that state of mind, in that feminist state of mind. I figured this was the reason girls weren’t responding to me well. The girl could tell I didn’t have much to offer her and even worse I wasn’t even trying to be of benefit to her really. So I decided I needed to get serious about being of benefit to a woman. I had to be serious about loving her and wanting to be of benefit to her life.

This led to the second stage. This is when I became a “conservative,” started listening to the Rush Limbaugh show, wanting to identity with people I saw as being successful, people who made money and were more successful in their lives. Conservatives being more high functioning successful people than liberals. At this point in my mind I wanted a woman like the girl I loved in high school. Surely there was somebody else like her. The woman from high school herself seemed awfully hard for me to get, probably out of reach, but I figured I could at least find “somebody like her” once I figured out how to make myself valuable to a woman. During this stage I started hearing about crazy rape hysteria on college campuses being pushed by the feminists, the soaring out-of-wedlock birth ratio was being talked about a lot among conservatives, and I started to become suspicious about the morality of women putting their children in daycare as they went off to work. Wouldn’t a child be better off with their own mother rather than being put in daycare? These things were making me suspicious about the morality of feminism.

Then I had my eureka! moment. I finally figured out how I could be of real value to a woman’s life. I could be the 1950s patriarchal breadwinner man as my wife stayed at home to raise the children! This was a wonderful solution. The wife could have the luxury of staying at home with the kids, the kids would have the benefit of receiving the direct focused care and attention from their own mothers while growing up. I would enable all of this by bringing home the bacon (making the money) in the relationship. I knew this model worked because in the 1950s there were very few out-of-wedlock births and the divorce rate was lower. The 1950s model was clearly a successful and good model of how to be a man, the 1950s man succeeded with women a lot better than the man of the current day. So I was convinced. I was going to become a 1950s patriarchal man! That was how I was going to succeed with women and bring something of value to a woman’s life.

This led to the third stage. Now I was pro-patriarchy and I quickly found that the culture at large didn’t want me to be pro-patriarchy, they didn’t want me to be a breadwinner man, they didn’t want me to contribute to a woman’s life in a serious and important way, they didn’t want me to be a good man that would be loved by women ultimately. This set me up to be in conflict against the culture; now conflict against the culture to destroy feminism became my ultimate and my central identity. So in my thinking my purpose was to serve what the woman from high school represented in an abstract sense. The woman from high school represented beauty, femininity, family life, the woman who needed to be loved and taken care of by a man. Feminism being the enemy of all this. The feminists wanted to destroy my ability to love and to serve the woman I loved in high school, therefore the feminists were her enemy, therefore the feminists were my enemy. By destroying feminism I would destroy those who wanted to destroy the men who wanted to serve and protect women like the woman I loved in high school. Through this mechanism fighting against feminism was a societal way, an abstract way, of showing my love and my service, maintaining my loyalty, to the woman I loved in high school.

During this third stage I reestablished my emotional connection to the woman I loved in high school. Now I felt emotionally safe, that I was showing myself to be deserving of her love, that I was acting as an honorable man, that she didn’t have to be ashamed of me anymore, that I was doing my duty on behalf of her as the man who loved her. I couldn’t serve her as a human being in real life but I could serve what she represented morally. In my imagination, in my understanding of what she wanted from me in high school, what she wanted was to be taken care of and truly loved by a man who would dedicate himself in service to her. I couldn’t be that man in real life but through politics or social activism I could support and promote the formation of such men so that women like her would be more likely to be able to get the kind of men they deserved as women in the future. This was my contribution to her womanhood, her femininity, her value as a woman. The best most powerful contribution I could give to what she represented as a woman.

Then finally the fourth stage gradually emerged. In this stage my purpose is to serve and to obey God and to do my masculine duty as a man in service to the woman I love the most; in particular to serve her God created femininity with my God created masculinity. To follow the rules and the model of how a man is supposed to treat a woman laid down by God or the Superior Power. Full financial support of a wife by her husband being the most important primary duty of a man on behalf of his wife in service to God; in support of the woman’s feminine role and feminine purpose as a woman.

In this fourth stage where the goal is obedience to and service to God the woman I loved in high school is like the embodiment or the real life romantic expression of idealized God created femininity. I serve her femininity as a woman as my duty to God on her behalf. God created her as a woman and then God created me as a man to serve her, to serve her femininity and her feminine role and purpose as a woman. She was the best real life model and example of femininity that I had personal experience with in my youth; this being why I fell in love with her the hardest and most profoundly in my youth.

So my purpose as a man is to serve and to obey God by means of serving and empowering the femininity of the woman I loved in high school; her model or expression of femininity being the best and most profound experience with femininity that I have experienced and fell in love with and become attached to in the course of my life. My love for the woman from high school being the model of what I owe women in general; my duties towards her being the model of what my duties are towards women in general; her femininity being the model of the value and importance of a woman’s femininity in general.

I want to marry the woman that most closely embodies the feminine soul of that 17 year old girl I emotionally married and took on a marital identity in relation to when I myself was 17 in high school. More specifically the feminine soul or feminine identity that I believed or perceived to represent the feminine soul of the woman I loved the most in high school. I fell in love with and attached myself to the woman I perceived her to be at that time. Specifically a woman who is feminine, who wants to be taken care of by a man, a woman who loves and wants to be with the best version of myself. In addition I want her to be a woman who is connected to God and is obedient to God as my purpose is to serve God by serving her. In short I want her to be a traditional woman or at least a woman who is part of the God Revival; a woman who is moving in a more traditional direction over time.

Also the woman must submit to me, the woman must accept my terms and my expectations of what I want a marriage with her to be like. This is because my primary duty is to God, I serve God by means of serving my wife. Since God assigns to the man the dominant position I therefore must take on the dominant position in relation to my wife in order to be obedient to God in terms of who I am supposed to be as a husband.

The husband’s most important obligation to his wife is to protect his wife from the masculine realm of paid work, to fully financially support his wife. A marriage cannot be thought of as a traditional marriage if the wife is working; married women working is absolutely anti-traditional and feminist. The wife’s most important obligation to her husband is to submit to him.

I still love that 17 year old girl from high school; whatever woman most closely matches her is the woman I want to marry. This means I want to marry the woman herself, the actual woman I fell in love with so many years ago, if she is single and therefore available and if she wants the kind of man I have developed myself into; if she is a traditional woman willing to marry me on my terms.

My second tier preference is a younger traditional woman; maybe I can get someone 15 years younger than myself?; who again is willing to marry me on my terms, who will accept my claim of dominance over her.

My third tier preference is a traditional woman close to my age.

If there are no traditional women I can get; just a hypothetical, there’s a shortage of traditional men out there so I’m sure I’ll be able to get some kind of woman I will be happy with; then I will just dedicate myself to politics and social activism as my purpose in life, the great crusade to get rid of feminism and turn back the clock to a healthier time and a better time in terms of relationships between men and women. I would rather be single than marry a feminist woman or marry a woman who sees herself as being “equal” to me and is not willing to obey me.

Regarding the romantic hierarchy; which woman you love the most and which woman you love not so much. The important issue is not how old she is today, the important issue is how old you were and how old she was when you maritally romantically attached yourself to her. The strongest romantic bond is between a young man and a young woman, the middle strength romantic bond is between an older man and a younger woman, the weakest romantic bond is between an older man and an older woman.

To my beloved from high school; I want to thank you for giving me such a wonderful romantic experience from the beginning part of 10th grade to the beginning part of 12th grade. It laid the foundation for how I see myself as a man and my purpose in life; my love for women today and my sense of purpose in advocating for the return of the traditional family being ultimately derivative of the love I felt for you and the duties and obligations that I felt I owed to you way back when.

Related articles:
Women Have Value!
My Debt to the Women of High School
Lost Love and the Importance of Marrying an Early Romantic Partner
My Love For and Duty Towards a Woman’s Femininity
Rollo Tomassi’s Mistake in Shunning the Idealism and Women of His Youth

About Jesse Powell TFA

Anti-Feminist, MRA, Pro-Traditional Women's Rights Traditional Family Activist (TFA)
This entry was posted in Personal History and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to My Beloved from High School

  1. Norwegian lotus says:

    This was a tear-jerker!!!

  2. Pingback: Taking the God Pill | Secular Patriarchy

  3. Pingback: Further thoughts on my prior post: Women Have Value! | Secular Patriarchy

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