A traditional relationship is based on how relationships used to be between men and women before feminism. In a traditional relationship the man is dominant over the woman and the woman is subordinate to the man; the man takes care of the woman by financially supporting the woman and in other ways. A traditional relationship is consistent with conservative religious teachings.
The benefits of a traditional relationship is that it leads to lower divorce rates, it minimizes social problems in general, it creates a good environment for children to grow up in, and it fits well with the natural desires and strengths of men and women. A traditional relationship is consistent with the will of God and is the best kind of relationship according to objective moral standards.
So what about sex before marriage in a traditional relationship? Is premarital sex, sexual intercourse, going all the way, OK before marriage? Definitely not.
The first problem with premarital sex is catching and spreading venereal diseases. That is obviously not good for yourself or your romantic partners.
The second problem with premarital sex is unwanted unplanned pregnancies and the resulting social problem of out-of-wedlock births which are very harmful to the children born to unmarried biological parents.
The third problem with premarital sex, and this problem cannot be avoided or minimized no matter what precautions you take, is harmful emotional attachments to women you never end up marrying that reduces your ability to bond with and love the woman you ultimately do marry.
You see, the human heart does not have an endless capacity to love powerfully and deeply an unlimited number of different women. You get 3, maybe 4 or 5, powerful love bonds in your life and then the women after that you noticeably distinctly don’t love as much. When you form a powerful romantic bond that romantic bond lasts forever which is great for ultimately someday marrying the woman you formed one of these early very powerful romantic bonds with but the downside to these very powerful loves is that for the woman who comes after her your ability to fall in love again isn’t as great as it used to be. Previous loves interfere with later loves and the ability to fall in love again tends to weaken as you get older. For this reason early loves and young loves are the best. You can’t do anything about getting older, except to marry that girl you really love when you have the chance while you and her are both still in your prime if you are fortunate and if you are able, but you can preserve your ability to love strongly and save your heart for the woman you ultimately marry by reducing and being responsible with your premarital sexual intimacy.
What about the other extreme; no premarital physical intimacy at all?
I don’t recommend no physical intimacy at all before marriage because human beings do have an emotional psychological need for sex even before marriage and because you do want to fall in love strongly with the woman you ultimately marry before actually legally marrying her; you don’t want to end up committed for life to a woman you don’t love or that you don’t love very much. Sex being a very powerful tool to increase your love for the woman you are currently with.
Sex is a very powerful emotional tool; use it irresponsibly or recklessly and you end up harming yourself and the woman you are currently with. You harm with sexually transmitted diseases, you harm with a pregnancy you and her are not prepared to deal with, and you harm both yourself and her emotionally by creating a love bond not ultimately ever used properly for marriage that leads to you loving the woman you will ultimately marry less and that leads to her loving the man she will ultimately marry less.
Use sex responsibly and wisely and you will gain the benefit that sex is meant to provide; emotional comfort during your dating years and a strong happy love bond with the woman you ultimately marry and spend the rest of your life with.
Here is my recommendation regarding the discipline you should stick to while still in the dating stage before marriage:
|Your feelings towards her||Your relationship status||Allowable level of physical intimacy|
|you’re interested in her||you’re casually dating||polite romantic touching|
|you really like her||she’s your girlfriend||up to 1st base|
|you love her||you’re serious about her||up to 2nd base|
|you are mentally committed to her||she is your fiancé||up to 3rd base|
|you are legally married to her||she is your wife||going all the way|
I would define polite romantic touching as holding hands, short kisses, touching her arm, touching her shoulder area or upper back, not too much, just to communicate that you see yourself as pursuing and in a romantic relationship with her to see how it goes. Keep the touching polite and not too intense or “heavy.”
How to define 1st, 2nd, and 3rd base? That is up to the man to decide more precisely. The man is the one who sets the sexual rules and expectations for the relationship. The important thing is that there be a hierarchy of emotional intensity where 1st base is clearly more intense than polite touching, 2nd base is clearly more intense than 1st base, 3rd base is clearly more intense than 2nd base, and finally “going all the way” is clearly more intense than 3rd base.
The goal is to match your sexual history with a woman to how important the woman is in your romantic history. Looking back on your history with women from the vantage point of your future married self you want the woman you actually married to be the highest ranking woman, the only woman you had full “complete” sex with in your life. Then there were maybe 1 or 2 women you almost married; those women you came close to sex with but you held back because those women are not the most important women in your romantic history, only with your wife have you had full sex. Then there are a larger number of women you had some sex or “fooling around” with but not very much. This is the ideal where the level of physical intimacy you ended up having with a woman mirrors her importance to you; if she wasn’t that important in the grand scheme of things then hopefully things never got too intimate between you two.
In this way you will end up with a weak or partial romantic attachment to a whole bunch of different women but only have a strong sexual history with a few women with your very strongest sexual experiences only being with your wife as it should be. Also using this approach your risk of sexually transmitted disease or being involved with an unwanted unplanned for unprepared for pregnancy should be very close to zero.
On the positive side this approach will allow you some physical intimacy during the dating process for your emotional comfort and will give to dating some extra spark and fun with the prospect of greater physical intimacy as your feelings towards a woman grow naturally and organically not just because she “puts out” but because of the more fundamental positive character traits and moral qualities she shows to you over time. And lastly since you will have a period of intense nearly full sexual intimacy with a woman during the final engaged to be married fiancé stage you can be well assured that the woman you marry is indeed a woman that you love passionately and strongly before the actual legal marriage takes place and you are committed for life.
In terms of potential conflicts where you and the woman have different ideas of how much physical intimacy should be going on before the marriage takes place the first rule is that you are the man and you set the rules of the relationship in general and in regards to sex more specifically; the woman you are with is to obey you including sexually.
If you are in a traditional relationship with a woman, if the woman agrees to be in a traditional male dominated relationship with you, then the assumption is that she approves of you as a man and she thinks you have good moral values and good judgment as a man, that you will make good decisions regarding the relationship and you will keep her best interests in mind as you make decisions and set rules regarding how the relationship between you and her will work; this including the sexual arena as well. Your right to dominance in the relationship as a man includes the sexual area during the dating premarital stage of the relationship as well.
In reality however men certainly can have bad moral judgment and bad moral intentions in regards to their sexual practices and sexual beliefs before marriage. There are men out there who will even explicitly think in their mind that the woman is “hot” and they want to “bang her” but that they aren’t looking for “anything serious” and they are not even close to considering a woman for marriage just because they try to have sex with her. Indeed if the woman does consent to sex with the man quickly that just proves she’s a slut and has probably had sex with many guys before him and is therefore not “marriage material.” For a woman to treat such a man who behaves in this way as a traditional man with a legitimate right of authority over her including regarding sex would be insane. Women have to defend themselves and refuse sex when the man shows to the woman bad moral intent wanting to have full sex with her right away before any serious relationship has been established. I would say it is insane for any woman to agree to full sex with any man unless the woman thinks in her mind that there is a real possibility that she will want to and be able to marry that man; otherwise she is damaging her marital value for no legitimate purpose whatsoever.
Assuming the man is behaving reasonably close to a high functioning ethical traditional man claiming a general right of authority over the woman he is dating including regarding sex and such a man is making a sexual demand on the woman that the woman is opposed to and thinks is inappropriate or harmful or immoral:
In such a situation the woman should consider; is what the man is asking for seriously wrong in your view or just a little bit wrong and not such a big deal? Are you thinking simply in terms of your preference and what you think would be best in your sexual relationship with the man and you believe the man is not giving your desires and your beliefs about things enough weight or do you think what the man is asking you to do sexually is seriously immoral or seriously harmful or shows bad faith on his part that he is seriously irresponsible or seriously selfish and neglectful of your needs in what he is asking you to do? In short do you have a minor objection to what he is asking or do you have a major objection? If you have a minor objection then it is probably best to just submit and not make a big deal about it. Maybe talk about it later with him.
If you have a major objection is it worth risking or losing the relationship with him due to your sexual refusal? What is the basis of the man’s major offense in your eyes? Is he highly ignorant and irresponsible or do you think he has bad intent with a reckless or predatory attitude towards your well being?
Is the issue that he is violating your religious beliefs? The man has religious beliefs or moral beliefs of his own regarding sex that presumably he is following in what he is asking you to do sexually. If the man is reckless or predatory with bad intent that would be a separate issue in its own right. If the issue is conflicting religious or moral beliefs where the man is asking you to do something that goes against your religious or moral beliefs but is consistent with the man’s own reasonable sincerely held religious or moral beliefs; where the man is behaving ethically and responsibly according to his own beliefs and understanding regarding sex; then you have to confront the fact that the general rule is that the man is in authority over the woman and that therefore it is the moral beliefs of the man that should govern the relationship.
If you as a woman choose to be in a traditional male dominated relationship with a man then you have to understand that his moral system is in charge and dominant because he personally as the man is in charge and dominant. If the man’s moral belief system is truly harmful and dysfunctional and immoral and you are therefore not willing to live under or submit to it then logically speaking it doesn’t make sense for you to want to be with such a man in the first place and that you are therefore rejecting the man. Rejecting the man because his moral system is contrary to your moral system is certainly within your rights as a woman but if you reject the man you are rejecting the benefits the man intends to give to you as his potential future wife. Keep that in mind.
From the man’s point of view; if the woman is refusing some sexual activity you want to engage in with her the first question is why? If it is simply a matter of her preference and that she thinks some other rules to follow would be better then certainly you can listen to her and see if what she is advocating for makes sense and maybe she’ll get you to change your mind about what the rules regarding sex should be but the decision about what the sexual rules should be is under your legitimate authority as a man to decide. If she then continues to refuse the sexual activity you want to engage in then she is defying your authority over her as a man, she is being disobedient to you and you as the man are going to have to decide how to deal with this disobedience to your sexual demands of her as your romantic partner. Maybe it is better to let it slide, maybe it is better to confront her and argue with her about it, maybe it is better to punish her in some way in the context of your relationship with her, withdraw from her some kind of reward or benefit that ordinarily would be part of your relationship with her. You as the man have to decide how to respond to this disobedient act on her part according to what your strategy of dominance is regarding this kind of confrontation with her.
If the woman’s refusal of you is based on a serious objection to the sexual rules and the sexual practices you intend you have to think seriously, are you ready to jeopardize or endanger your relationship with this woman over this issue? Are you ready for a prolonged conflict over the issue? Are you ready to reject her over the issue? Of course you can discuss things with her and try to win her over to your point of view or maybe consider what she is concerned about more carefully and see if there is a way you can address her concerns without damaging your own interests too much.
If the woman is sexually refusing you in a committed serious way there are two main issues involved, the sex itself that she is denying you and whatever psychological or relationship benefits you intended for your desired sexual behavior with her to produce, and the other issue involved is your right to govern your sexual relationship with her in general and indeed your right to govern your relationship with her overall in general. Who is in charge of the relationship here? Are you in charge of things as the man? Is she in charge as the woman? Is she trying to engineer some gender equality thing where you and her are supposed to agree upon the rules regarding sex together in cooperation with each other? Is she trying to make it so that her religion is in charge of things? What is your purpose for your relationship with her in the first place?
If a woman is refusing me sex my first fear is that she is attacking my claim of authority over her, my right to dominance over her. The sex itself is not going to be my primary concern, my primary concern is that I maintain control of the relationship so that I will be able to meet the higher idealistic goals my relationship with the woman is intended to serve and so that my emotional needs will be protected and not attacked going forward. The main question in my mind is who is in control here? Am I in control? Is she in control? Am I having to compete with a third party such as her religion?
As the man I am supposed to be in charge of things! That is my bottom line.