There has been some recent discussion in the manosphere regarding the idiom “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.” Can a woman ever really be “yours” in the sense of ownership or possession? It would seem this idiom is connected to the idea of commitment, that no commitment with a woman is ever solid and so therefore in any relationship with a woman it is “just your turn” but oddly enough when I see other manospherians talk about this “wisdom” discussion about commitment or the meaning of commitment or the trustworthiness of commitment doesn’t really come up. It is as if you want a woman to be “yours” without making a commitment to her first and then are disappointed that alas it is only “your turn.”
The idea behind the idiom is that always “it’s just your turn,” that she is never “yours,” this being presented as an objective truth, an immutable reality of human relationships. However a relationship has an early stage with no commitment, a middle stage of partial commitment, and a final stage of full commitment. To say that it is always “just your turn” implies never even entertaining the idea of full commitment with a woman as an aspirational goal; that you are always ready to leave or conversely always psychologically prepared for or expecting rejection; in other words no commitment.
You can have good feelings with a woman and good experiences with a woman with no commitment or prior to the commitment stage but you cannot serve a woman or create a positive moral contribution without commitment to protect the investment you make in the woman. Commitment is necessary for the moral purpose of your relationship with a woman, in particular it is necessary to give to children a good home environment to grow up within. You cannot function romantically at all in terms of pursuing a higher moral purpose without at least aiming for commitment as your final goal. The purpose of love is marriage, without marriage as a goal love has no purpose, no moral justification.
Psychologically you want a woman to be “yours” and morally you want a woman to be “yours.” You want a woman to be “yours” psychologically because you love her more, more than other women. If you lose her she cannot be easily replaced. You want a woman to be “yours” morally because you can only achieve your moral purpose with a woman who will be with you for the long term, that you can count on being with you for the long term. You love one woman more than another woman precisely to motivate you to commit yourself to her instead of the other woman that you love less. The reason why you emotionally want to commit is to motivate you to commit because it is moral to commit. Loving one woman more than another woman is the emotional motivation for commitment.
There is a time hierarchy of love, the women you love first you love the most, as you get older and with increasing numbers of prior romantic partners your ability to form a new romantic bond with a new woman decreases. This is a strong motivator to marry young, to lock in a romantic relationship with a woman you love very much because you fell in love with her when you were still young. As you get older falling in love again is more difficult but you still love the woman from your youth. Do not think an early love can be easily replaced with a woman just as good some time later in life, you will find to your misfortune that that is not true.
I am aware, commitment creates vulnerability, if you are emotionally committed to a woman and start making plans in your mind of the future you want to have with her and then she rejects you that will really hurt, hurt much more than if you kept your distance with a “it’s just my turn” detached kind of attitude. If you marry a woman and then she divorces you that will not only really hurt emotionally but also mess you up financially and in terms of the higher moral purpose you were trying to create with her as well. On the other hand you cannot feel a strong and deep love without commitment and you cannot achieve the moral purpose of marriage without marriage. No risk, no reward. You cannot succeed unless you are willing to risk failure. To try is moral in its own right.
Just because you are vulnerable in your relationship with a woman, vulnerable to emotional pain, vulnerable to financial loss, even vulnerable to failure or underperformance in your higher idealistic family goals, that does not mean you have to be afraid. This is a very important point I want to emphasize, just because you are vulnerable does not mean you have to be afraid. Fulfill your duty or your obligation to the woman and then accept whatever comes with serenity because you have done your best as a man and you can do no better.
Your duty is to God, not the woman herself. You serve the woman and treat the woman well as your duty to God, because it is the right thing to do, not because you are seeking a reward from the woman in return. Your goal is to please God in what you do on your woman’s behalf, whether the woman herself is pleased is secondary.
This is why this is important, because your purpose in a romantic relationship is to be a good man, it is not to win over the woman. If you are lucky you will win over the woman but the purpose is not to win over the woman, the purpose is to treat the woman right and to offer to the woman what she deserves as a woman from you. What this means is that the woman determines whether you are lucky or unlucky, she does not determine whether you have succeeded or failed or whether you are good or bad. You have succeeded in your mission as a man and you have acted as a good man based on whether or not you have fulfilled your role as a man in obedience to God. How the woman responds to you then determines the issue of secondary importance of whether you get the woman or not.
Fear God, don’t fear the woman. Obey God, don’t obey the woman. Serve God, you serve the woman on God’s behalf. Your relationship with the woman is an expression of your relationship with God. Even if the woman rejects you you still were loyal and faithful to God and your relationship with God is what matters most, not your relationship with the woman. Even if the woman divorces you you still maintained your commitment to God and kept your commitment with God and that is the commitment that matters most.