My initiation into anti-feminism was when I decided intellectually that I was in favor of patriarchy around 1995. The logic of my anti-feminism was that I should contribute to the lives of women more. I developed this 1950s style domestic fantasy that I should be the breadwinner taking care of my stay-at-home wife who dedicated herself to the raising and well being of my children. Me as breadwinner who provided for my wife who in turn took care of my children was a kind of eureka moment. Yes! I thought to myself, this is how I could be a good man desirable to a woman. Not only would being a breadwinner be desirable to a woman though, it would also be good for the children so being a breadwinner would not only be romantically desirable but it would also be morally virtuous and idealistic as well. The great problem at that point of my life was that women were just not interested in me romantically; there was some kind of huge barrier between me and women. I saw myself embracing patriarchy and taking on the breadwinner role associated with patriarchy as being a way I could overcome women’s romantic rejection of me. My conversion to patriarchy away from feminism started out as simply a way to gain romantic access to women; women in effect told me collectively that my feminist indifference to their well being was intolerable to them and that I was going to have to “man up” before I would gain approval from them.
Before my conversion to patriarchy I did have the beginnings of certain MRA (Men’s Rights Activist) resentments and styles of thinking. I remember resenting the expectation that I take the initiative in romantic interactions with women. I tended to be shy and not very sociable to begin with and whenever I did take initiative with women I invariably didn’t get a good response so I didn’t like the expectation of taking the romantic initiative being placed on me “just because I was a man.” I also did resent the expectation that the man pay for the date, that it was in general the man’s job to “impress” the woman and not the other way around. Me having to take romantic initiative and me having to pay for the date and me “taking charge” in terms of organizing the date and planning things so that the woman would have a “good time” and be “impressed” by me so that she would deem me worthy of a second date and ultimately a relationship with me. The whole set up was distasteful to me because it implied that everything was about the woman and I was supposed to “perform” for her to her satisfaction to be “worthy” of her. All the burden seemed to be on me and more importantly I felt incapable of being able to sufficiently “impress” the woman under this scheme so that all these demands being placed upon me effectively excluded me from access to women.
In addition to not liking the dating ritual set up involving demands on me I could not hope to meet I also resented women having all the reproductive rights and me having none, I resented the idea of child support that I would owe the woman for a child that I maybe never wanted to have in the first place. I also resented the man only draft, that only men had to sign up for the selective service, and there was an enforcement mechanism that men were not eligible for financial aid to go to college if they hadn’t signed up for the selective service first.
The whole world seemed to be a kind of conspiracy to pamper women and to give women “special treatment” and “special privileges” and that I as a man had to “serve women” and “impress” women if I wanted to make any progress with them romantically. The entire romantic interaction with women seemed to be based on me liking a woman and getting all excited because of the hormones rushing through my veins and then me having to jump through all sorts of hoops and meet all sorts of demands the woman would place on me to see if I “measured up” or was “good enough” so that my interaction with women was completely one sided where I would give and then she would judge whether what I gave was “good enough” and invariably what I had to offer was insufficient and so I was excluded once again.
At the same time as all this I was very ashamed of the fact that I as a man would be expected to make significantly more money than a woman, that all the leadership positions in society were held by men, that whenever I had strong feelings for a woman I could definitely feel inside of myself a strong desire to control her and gain influence over her and tell her what to do. I could see men being dominant in the society overall in terms of leadership and prestige and money and I could see my own desire to be dominant in relation to women personally and I thought these things were bad, that they represented abuse against women or the oppression of women. Male dominance and male power was bad I thought; it was a bad tendency within the society and it was a bad tendency within myself. It was a bad tendency that should be fought against and overcome.
In terms of how I imagined what a relationship between myself and a woman would look like; I really felt a great deal of distance from the woman. I imagined myself as being sort of on the sidelines. Family life was the woman’s project I thought. Women are the ones who cared more about children, I shouldn’t try to be domineering over the woman or “tell her what to do” and so therefore I should sort of stay out of the way. Maybe I would make a bit of financial contribution to the woman’s life, me and the woman would love each other and share good feelings and have sex, maybe there were household things I could do for the woman to support the running of the household. I saw myself as basically doing what the woman assigned me to do but not really being that involved or invested in the relationship. The purpose of my relationship with the woman was mostly just love sex and good feelings and maybe I could offer her a little practical support to make myself useful and more valuable to her I thought.
So this was sort of my view of gender relations before my conversion to patriarchy. I was kind of a hybrid between an MRA resenting female privileges and female demands I couldn’t live up to and a pandering eager to please male feminist trying to be “good” not being “dominant” and willing to do what I am told to please a woman. In addition to these elements of my thinking however I really wasn’t oriented towards giving to women and contributing to women; I was more focused on wanting to be loved and wanting to have sex and wanting to satisfy myself emotionally and I was willing to contribute to women a little bit materially and practically to gain these things but I really didn’t see myself as investing in a woman in practical ways very much. To me practically giving to a woman would have been a form of pandering and begging and I would have been willing to do it to a limited extent as part of supporting the woman’s family goals particularly as it related to the support of children as being a kind of noble calling of the woman I should probably support her in to some extent but in general I didn’t like the idea of me supporting the woman because it would just be more of me “serving” the woman because I was afraid of her rejection of me and I didn’t want to be exploited in that way. Also it was ordinary and expected that the woman would work, wasn’t it?
Anyways, this set up on my part in terms of how I thought about women didn’t work. No woman wanted me; there was some kind of woman repellent surrounding me. I was in a trap and I had to break out of it somehow. Then finally I came upon my solution. Patriarchy! Patriarchy was the answer! The reason why women were rejecting me is because I had nothing to offer women; I had no drive to serve women. Men were able to get women in the 1950s weren’t they? Men were very successful with women in the 1950s. I knew statistically that the family was in much better shape in the 1950s than it was at that current time in the mid-1990s at the time of my angst and failure with women. The 1950s were all about the male breadwinner and the woman staying home to care for the children. The 1950s were good and the 1950s worked! If I could be a breadwinner man then I would have something I could offer to women and then women would love me and not only that but I could give my children a good life to by giving to them a mother who could devote themselves to their needs full time! It was a brilliant solution! It was wonderful! Patriarchy! Patriarchy is the answer!
This is how I entered into support for patriarchy and anti-feminism. I blamed myself for my failures with women prior to my conversion to patriarchy; it was my fault because I was being emotionally selfish just wanting women to love me and have sex with me but myself not wanting to support them or materially benefit them in return. Women could sense I had nothing to offer them and so they rightfully and deservedly rejected me as I was unworthy of them because I wasn’t living up to my responsibilities as a man. So to repent it was my job to become a breadwinner and take on my rightful patriarchal role within the family just like they did things in the 1950s when men knew how to be men and society worked.
I didn’t come into contact with MRAs as a political and cultural force until much later but before coming into contact with the MRAs I already had a well developed idea of Chivalry and what my duties as a man were based on my Chivalrous duty to women. When I first ran into the MRAs I was overjoyed to see so many anti-feminists but when I discovered their rejection of Chivalry after not too long I realized right away that the MRAs were not for me. There was no way in hell I would give up my beloved Chivalry to fit in with the MRAs. The fact that the MRAs rejected Chivalry meant there was something seriously wrong with them.
As to why MRAs so heavily outnumber men like me in the secular realm? I think this is because MRAs are an extension of feminism rather than a rejection of feminism. MRAs are 4th Wave Feminists. MRAs take the idea of “gender equality” more literally than the feminists do. MRAs advocate for the same kinds of things the feminists do, they just take the equality of the sexes idea of feminism and apply it more rigorously without the bias in favor of women feminists usually fall back on. MRAs are not repudiating feminism, they are instead more feminist than the feminists; they are feminism without the pro-woman hypocrisy of feminism in practice.
I however repudiated feminism at a fundamental level which is why I am the rarity at least in the secular world. The religious world has the advantage of having an alternative world view based on religious faith with largely autonomous self-enclosed communities that have the ability of propagating an alternative world view and social model among their members. The secular world however has no such means of protection against the dominant feminist culture so going against feminism is more difficult for someone in the secular world.
I myself had started to develop some MRA tendencies in my own thinking before my renunciation of feminism and my conversion to patriarchy but the step of me converting to patriarchy was aimed at greater investment in women rather than withdrawal from women. What the MRAs stand for is men withdrawing from women but my conversion to patriarchy was in exactly the opposite direction of increasing my investment in women for the purpose of moving closer to women. This is why I am the opposite of an MRA today; why my version of anti-feminism is the opposite of the MRA version of anti-feminism.
References to more of my personal history:
References to the personal background of the women secular supporters of patriarchy closest to me:
To The Radical One and Jojo; I very much appreciate my shared experiences with both of you so far, I am grateful for the support each of you have shown to me. I hope to live up to my obligations as a man on your behalf.